DATING IN NYC: THE MINEFIELD OF LUNACY

Every now and then, I am reminded why I never, ever, ever want to find myself in the dating world in NYC. Between my clueless and single male friends, and my ridiculously annoying and self-destructive female friends, I get to hear and see some of the most atrocious behavior imaginable in terms of dating without getting my hands dirty.

From time to time, I am asked to give some advice to my male friends on who and what to avoid. One of my friends desperately needs this advice because he hasn't had sex since the late 90s (no, I am not kidding).

Much of what I am going to say comes from my own horrible experiences with women from a few years back that I sometimes have nightmares about. Fellas, this is what you need to look out for when on a date and then avoid like the proverbial plague.

INSANE TYPES OF WOMEN IN NYC DATING:

1) THE NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME CHICKS: Women who have recently gotten out of a bad marriage/relationship/booty call arrangement and critically over-analyze every thing you do with her. The problem is that it backfires almost immediately because a decent guy (or an @$$hole too) will quickly become frustrated with her endless circular reasoning and double-questioning of his intent and so on.












These women are usually recognized by their constant asking if she is "doing the right thing" or remarking repeatedly "I haven't dated in a long time... blah blah blah." She doesn't understand that the absolute best thing she could do is shut the hell up and listen and trust her gut when meeting a new man.

2) THE REGRETTERS: These are women who had very colorful, exciting but ultimately self-nullifying sexual experiences in the past and regret it deeply on some layered subconscious level. So, whenever they meet a "decent" man who is "worth it" they pull back on physical contact almost to the point of being celibate. In their twisted reasoning, making this new guy wait for sex will somehow atone for the reckless sexual abandon of her past.












What she DOESN'T get is that she has created a kind of sexual marathon now for this new guy. He is no longer interested in her, but he will wait it out until he can sex her, and then its all over. And the cycle begins again. Yea, it sucks that there is such a double-standard for men and women in regards to casual sex. But you ask any self-respecting father what kind of daughter he wants?

Just because we see Lindsay Blohan, Whore Hilton, and Titney Spears acting like stone cold sluts doesn't make it cool. The lesson here is that women should always be careful of whom they sleep with. Giving it away just to fit in is so 90s.

3) THE DO-NOTHINGS: This is my most despised subset of insane NYC women. These are the ladies who have profiles online suggesting that any man who responds to them must have: a good job, an education, a car, live alone, no kids, etc.













However, upon closer inspection of their profiles you will notice that other than their looks, they don't bring anything else to the table. THEY aren't educated. THEY have no career whatsoever or have stupid drone jobs like "medical billing assistant" (WTF is medical billing? Don't they have insurance companies and computers for that sort of thing? I also don't understand the point of Human Resources...anyway).

These women usually live in the worst neighborhoods in the city, or have bizarre housing/roommate situations that will perplex the hell outta you. They also have kids. Very bad kids. And they don't like any kind of advice on how to handle their bastard children (like talking their the kid's teachers, checking his homework, turning off the cable box and videogames).

Avoid these women like a diseased, drunk child molester at a Catholic summer camp.

4) EMO GIRLS: I think this says it all...


















B.