Thursday, July 26, 2007


Every now and then, I am reminded why I never, ever, ever want to find myself in the dating world in NYC. Between my clueless and single male friends, and my ridiculously annoying and self-destructive female friends, I get to hear and see some of the most atrocious behavior imaginable in terms of dating without getting my hands dirty.

From time to time, I am asked to give some advice to my male friends on who and what to avoid. One of my friends desperately needs this advice because he hasn't had sex since the late 90s (no, I am not kidding).

Much of what I am going to say comes from my own horrible experiences with women from a few years back that I sometimes have nightmares about. Fellas, this is what you need to look out for when on a date and then avoid like the proverbial plague.


THE NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME CHICKS: Women who have recently gotten out of a bad marriage/relationship/booty call arrangement and critically over-analyze every thing you do with her. The problem is that it backfires almost immediately because a decent guy (or an @$$hole too) will quickly become frustrated with her endless circular reasoning and double-questioning of his intent and so on.

These women are usually recognized by their constant asking if she is "doing the right thing" or remarking repeatedly "I haven't dated in a long time... blah blah blah." She doesn't understand that the absolute best thing she could do is shut the hell up and listen and trust her gut when meeting a new man.

2) THE REGRETTERS: These are women who had very colorful, exciting but ultimately self-nullifying sexual experiences in the past and regret it deeply on some layered subconscious level. So, whenever they meet a "decent" man who is "worth it" they pull back on physical contact almost to the point of being celibate. In their twisted reasoning, making this new guy wait for sex will somehow atone for the reckless sexual abandon of her past.

What she DOESN'T get is that she has created a kind of sexual marathon now for this new guy. He is no longer interested in her, but he will wait it out until he can sex her, and then its all over. And the cycle begins again. Yea, it sucks that there is such a double-standard for men and women in regards to casual sex. But you ask any self-respecting father what kind of daughter he wants?

Just because we see Lindsay Blohan, Whore Hilton, and Titney Spears acting like stone cold sluts doesn't make it cool. The lesson here is that women should always be careful of whom they sleep with. Giving it away just to fit in is so 90s.

3) THE DO-NOTHINGS: This is my most despised subset of insane NYC women. These are the ladies who have profiles online suggesting that any man who responds to them must have: a good job, an education, a car, live alone, no kids, etc.

However, upon closer inspection of their profiles you will notice that other than their looks, they don't bring anything else to the table. THEY aren't educated. THEY have no career whatsoever or have stupid drone jobs like "medical billing assistant" (WTF is medical billing? Don't they have insurance companies and computers for that sort of thing? I also don't understand the point of Human Resources...anyway).

These women usually live in the worst neighborhoods in the city, or have bizarre housing/roommate situations that will perplex the hell outta you. They also have kids. Very bad kids. And they don't like any kind of advice on how to handle their bastard children (like talking their the kid's teachers, checking his homework, turning off the cable box and videogames).

Avoid these women like a diseased, drunk child molester at a Catholic summer camp.

4) EMO GIRLS: I think this says it all...



The Gotham Protagonist said...


Tell your friend who hasn't had any tail since the 90s, to visit the erotic services section and get some.

Unless he is holding out due to religious reasons, he is missing out.


Irreplaceable said...

Crusader - I find this blog hilarious. You want to give dating advice on how to dodge women. Us women are just as amazed as you men.

Did it ever occur to you that men do not go after a good woman when she's front row and center?

Some men have the opportunity of a lifetime and they let it pass them by. Women who are the full package: single, no kids, beautiful, employed, educated, own their place (in a great neighborhood at that), and do not sleep around.

Men too have the tendency to over analyze, be clueless, or not know how to approach a woman. Whether it be due to lask of self-confidence or pure intimidation. When a man is interested he needs to let the woman's really that simple.

Please avoid giving advice on the dating scene until you yourself can get it right hun.

dweiums said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dweiums said...

Glad to see it's the same ol', same ol' in NYC. Dating sux like moose cox.

Anyway, I tend to agree with irreplacable (Uh . . . what's up wit dat moniker?)- when faced with a well employed, childless, educated, place in the 'burbs gal - most guys didn't bite.

It might have been my accompanying friend with the luxurious long hair and bodacious ta-ta's that drew their attention away from my 'flat as the Iowan corn fields' pectorals. My intellectual skills never won any guy over.

I dunno. I'm just sayin'.