Sunday, May 17, 2009

Internet Personals Language Decoded

A very good female friend of mine called me the other night and asked me what the phrase "laid back" meant in relation to a person's character. I didn't understand what she meant so she explained that she had been looking at a bunch of male profiles at online dating sites and almost 95% of those ads had some variation on the following sentence:

"I am a nice, educated and laid back kind of guy."

She asked me WTF "laid back" meant and I told her its a catch-all phrase used to disarm women who think all guys want is a romp in the sack. Although it is true that all guys want is a romp in the sack from a chick they meet online, I wanted to give her the red flag words and phrases used by unscrupulous people on internet dating sites.

First, here are the definitions for "laid back":

Definition #1: Someone that is generally relaxed in most situations. Wears a lot of khakis, not up on latest fashions. Tends to be more involved than others in politics and world events.

Definition #2: Someone that is very lazy and confuses being laid back with not having goals, dreams or career plans. This is the person you want to avoid unless you enjoy watch ESPN or Gossip Girl reruns all night.

Definiton #3: A person who has no idea what is happening in the world and no ability to think critically. Doesn't like to think deeply about anything.

When you see laid back in a personals ad, just ask them what their definition of "laid back" is and if it is close to any of these three definitons, you owe me $5.00.

Now, here is the official decoder for personal adspeak.

1) "Not looking for anything serious, just want to see what's out there." = I am looking to get laid by as many people as possible because this is the most attention I have ever gotten from the opposite sex in my entire life and I want to see what it feels like to be desired by a diverse group of people.

2) "Just got out of a serious relationship, just want to be friends first." = I am secretly bitter about my last relationship and I don't trust anybody. However, I still have physical and emotional needs and I can use meaningless sex and pointless dates to simulutaneously numb the pain and gain a bit of vengeance by being an @$$hole to this new person who doesn't deserve it.

3) "I am independent." = I want to be congratulated for doing what most people have done for centuries a.k.a. supporting oneself.

4) "I am tired of losers, I want to meet a nice guy/girl." = I might be the reason I keep driving people away, but I will blame others endlessly until I find someone I can manipulate.

5) "I would like to meet someone intelligent for good conversation." = I tend to keep dating vapid, shallow types because I am vapid and shallow. I just want to meet someone smart enough to agree with my ideas.

6) "I don't like B.S. and I don't deal with B.S. so be real when you talk to me." = I am actually full of $h!t but I have no idea how to be classy about it so I confuse being rude with being honest. I can't handle people being honest with me so whenever someone says something that hits close to home I push them away and congratulate myself for being "real" enough to recognize other people being fake.

7) "Looking for Mr./Mrs. Right Now." = I am a slut. Proceed at your own risk.

8) "Looking for a serious relationship." = I am very tired of one night stands and even though I get laid regularly, these people aren't that attractive so I am going to see if i can find someone who is cute enough and tolerable enough to screw regularly but I don't want to feel like a scumbag so I will claim to want a serious relationship.

9) "We all have our preferences." = I am racist.

10) "I am a simple man/woman who knows what I want." = I have no idea what I want and I have a slew of unrealistic expectations for whomever answers this personal ad.