THE FOOL'S CRUSADE

NEW SHADOWLAW POSTER DESIGN

2011-06-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

While this is not the final design, its almost the one we're going with!

Let me know what you think.

B.

The Easton Lexicon

2011-06-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

Damn, I really gotta start posting more often.

Life updates:

a) I got hired to write an episode of the new THUNDERCATS series for Warner Bros. Animation.

b) As a result, I've ended up with an honest-to-God credit on the internet movie database.

c) My graphic novel SHADOWLAW will be released in November of 2011.

d) Life is still tough for the fledgling writer in Hollywood.

Anyways, I've often been told I speak in gibberish, when the reality is that I'm not speaking in nonsense words, the general public simply has no idea of the definition of my personal language.

Instead of people recognizing the genius-level intellect it requires to develop a brand new language, they'd rather scoff in their inane feelings of linguistic adequacy.

Posers.

I don't know where these words and phrases came from. Perhaps they were handed down to me by the Lord above for the sake of creating new standards of literacy.

However, if you know me personally, you've heard these words and you've understood their context. If you don't know me and happen to see me in public, feel free to use these words in a sentence.

I may not acknowledge you, but at least you'd have stepped into a bold new world.

THE EASTON LEXICON:

ABBA (ZABBA) - (noun): A phrase used to answer a question that I don't feel like answering or wasn't actually paying attention to.

EX:

Q - What did you think of the Real Housewives of Wherever-the-Fuck?

A - Abba.
--------------

FIZZNATTED - (adverb): A state of being inebriated or high (usually from marijuana).

EX:

I saw that dude drink a bottle of Colt 45, sniff a line of coke off a tranny hooker's balls, and then jack off outside of Toys R' Us, he was fizznatted!
--------------

GRIP-GRAPPLIN' (noun): A term used to describe a series of non-existent movies, usually used to determine the authenticity of a new associate.

EX:

ME - Did you ever see Grip-Grapplin' II? That was an incredible mix of Soviet agit-prop and French New Wave aesthetics!

FAKE PERSON - I heard of it, but I think I only saw the first one.
---------------------

HEAD-DE-BLIBBER - (noun): Also a term used to deflect questions I consider to be extraneous or boring.

EX:

Q - Yo, did you hear about the new Lil' Wayne album?

A - Head-de-blibber.

JUICE - (adjective): A very curvy female, usually wearing a size 10-18 whose voluptuousness is 100% proportional to her height. Can also describe the level of her voluptuousness.

EX:

Damn, for a White girl, she got a lot of juice!
--------------------

LEYPONT - (noun): Term for foreigner. Only pejorative in certain contexts. Originally a part of the phrase Leypont Denogon De Non Bon Beer Nut but shortened for clarity.

note: The phrase Leypont Denogon De Non Bon Beer Nut is actually uttered in the remix to the song "Close to You" by Maxi Priest (featuring Shabba Ranks). It is in the version where Shabba has a 1-minute freestyle and says a lot of Jamaican gibberish. I'm not making this up.

EX:

Those goddamn Leyponts keep getting away with welfare fraud!
--------------------

LIL' WAYNE - (adjective): The worst thing I could ever call anyone. My version of the word "nigger, kyke, spic, chink, slope, mick, dago, fag, etc." If there is an opposite word to God, Heaven, Love, Holy Spirit, Jehova, Buddha, Jesus or Allah, it would be Lil' Wayne.

EX:

All those Lil' Waynes over there make all Black people look like street trash.

MR. SLIMPH - (noun): Term for a Black hobo or a Black man entirely unconcerned with modern fashion, technology or political realities.

EX:

Good ol' Mr. Slimph, he just don't care that he wears a diaper on the outside of his Spanx.
---------------------

ROWFURPH SMOWFURPH - (noun/adjective): Term for senior citizen. Also can be used to describe their speech patterns which often sound like the word "rowfurph."

EX:

All these rowfurphs stink!
---------------

This is just the beginning of the Easton Lexicon.

Feel free to distribute.

B.

SHADOWLAW GRAPHIC NOVEL FINALLY DONE AFTER 6 YEARS!!!

2011-01-26T20:12:00.001-08:00

This is just a preview page from the final artwork for the SHADOWLAW GRAPHIC NOVEL.

For those that don't know, I've been working on this series since roughly 2004 when I decided to create my own original title after having doors slammed in my face for the year following the cancellation of my first writing work in the comics biz.

I've dealt with the following kinds of comic book illustrators: liars, thieves, fakers, flakes, emotional retards and a whole slew of folks that weren't serious about anything.

No disrespect to the quality folks that finish what they begin, but it sucked to have to go through the starting and stopping, starting and stopping, starting and stopping to the point where it felt like I should just give up.

But guess what? I didn't give up. I kept at it even when people were secretly rooting for me to fail and laughing behind closed doors at my suffering. (yes, I know who you are).

Now things feel a lot better than they have in the last two years. I am still broke, carless and angry in Los Angeles. But there is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for the support, my real friends and family.

Pages from my upcoming SHADOWLAW GRAPHIC NOVEL: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=358797&id=768944147&l=3b932f6645

Dreams and losses... always fight.

2010-11-16T17:54:00.000-08:00

Last week I signed with a brand new, small, but strong literary agency and it was the culmination of two years of struggling. I am not complaining at all, just explaining my situation. Since I moved to Los Angeles I:

a) almost got arrested for driving a car without updated tags

b) lived in three different places, each with varying degrees of roommate drama

c) had a fire in my last apartment where I nearly lost everything I brought with me from NYC

d) have not had access to a car

e) have been struggling to pay bills on a regular basis

With all that, me signing onto an agency was a bittersweet moment because there's no guarantee that anything will change in my writing career, but it does feel good to have someone outside of your personal circle validate your work.

I moved to Los Angeles in Sept of 2008 in the middle of the worst economic climate in the U.S. since 1929. Not only that, but I moved here a year after the Writer's Strike that shut down Hollywood film & TV for several long months. For those outside of the business, whenever there is a strike of any sort, the people already working within the business will receive some kind of compensation - either financial or labor oriented. Usually the studio executives are left pissed off to no end and the writers walk away with a little more respect than before.

However, for the new writer, this situation is deadly because the executives in charge of hiring writers will go out of their way to find ways to circumvent new people breaking in while keeping costs low. So while they might hate the A-level established guy with many credits and the 12 million dollar bank account, they can find a B-level established guy with no income and pay him half of what he's worth and that guy will be happy for the gig.

They used to say that Hollywood was like a castle with a moat surrounding it filled with Alligators, Crocodiles, Sharks and Giant Squids fighting each other. Now, its more like a steel fortress with land mines, killer bees and laser-guided missiles behind an electrified fence around the border. I'm not kidding, it really seems like that.

Add to the mix liars, fakers, phonies, flakes, opportunists, morons, leeches, parasites, racists, sexists, elitists and a whole other batch of douchebags and assholes, and you've got 21st century Hollywood.

So what did I do?

Instead of packing up and rushing back to my cherished alcoves on the East Coast (NYC and Baltimore), I dug my heels in and refused to give up. Despite the fact that I hate Los Angeles as a city, and I miss my friends and family, and I can't stand the weather, I decided that following my dream of being a working Hollywood screenwriter was worth the two years of displacement, hunger, discomfort and loneliness.

When I was a kid in Baltimore, and things were going sour with my family situation from time to time, the one place I could go was the movies. I would go and watch STAR WARS, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, SUPERMAN, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS, GHOSTBUSTERS, ROCKY, MISSING IN ACTION, KARATE KID and a bunch of other classic stuff at my neighborhood theater. While I had no idea what the words "directed by" or "written by" really meant, there was a part of me that wanted desperately to be a part of that world. After all, it takes something powerful to entrance the heart and soul of an only child on the streets of Baltimore in the mid-1980s when the crack cocaine explosion had turned my city into a giant casualty.

Even when I was making close to $60,000/year teaching high school in NYC public schools, my heart cried out for something else. I knew that I had a serious choice to make, either become a principal, go to law school to try to address the serious problems affecting the educational system or take a big chance to shoot for my dreams in Hollywood at the ripe old age of 34 (which is like being 70 in Hollywood years).

So with nothing more than $2,500 and a few old connections in place, I moved out here to face of a world of uncertainty, doubt and fear. And Lord knows, I was scared.

On Thursday (11/18), I will get some news from my agent about a major group of people being interested in my work. Even if they decide to pass, it means that my work has been seen by some big time players in the Hollywood game and that's progress. Considering that over two years ago I was standing in the middle of a classroom in Harlem teaching economics and government while confusing my co-workers with talk of box office receipts, screenwriting structure and obscure movie quotes I don't think I'm doing that bad at all.

So whatever it is that you wish to do with your life, find it. Find that passion and let it govern your existence. Don't be satisfied with just living and paying bills because life goes by fast. And as Ferris Bueller said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

The same thing applies to your dreams. Before you know it, all the opportunity and passion could blow through your life like a summer breeze. Fleeting, warm, sensual, and sweet, but impossible to replicate.

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A BIG BLACK GUY...

2010-09-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not writing this as a complaint, or an indictment of White people, skinny people, rich people, female people or as a condemnation of anything. This is just an observation of how I see the world based on my experiences.

It's not a stretch to say that we live in a shallow, narrow-minded and materialistic society. People on TV barely resemble human beings anymore considering the fact that the majority of celebrities today have had weight-loss procedures, botox injections and more plastic surgery than Cher. I hear folks saying certain actors and actresses are "beautiful" but to me they look like deformed action figures.

*NOTE* - Watch any TV show from the 1970s-early 1980s and see how much the celebrities then looked like your neighbor.

Anyone with a cursory knowledge of American social history will know that Black folks in the Western world have gotten the short end of the stick (hell we used to get beaten with that same stick) and that's putting it mildly. Sure, there have been many advances across the socio-political and economic spectrum, but the bottom line is that a lot of non-Black people seem to be very uncomfortable with the presence of Black folks -- and in particular -- Black men in social spaces.

For example: A few nights ago I was leaving work at Barnes & Noble and walking to the bus stop. On this particular evening I had to go to a late-night pharmacy which is about two blocks further than I would normally go.

Two fairly ridiculous things occurred during this short jaunt: 1) A Middle-eastern couple walking toward me jumped out into the street rather than pass me on the sidewalk. At first I thought that there might have been a reason -- like dog poop or a hole -- but there wasn't.

About another block down, an Asian woman was walking toward me and when she saw I was approaching her SHE WALKED INTO THE STREET (where there was traffic behind her) instead of walking past me on the sidewalk.

Now, I have dealt with this kind of thing for the last 20 or so years since I have become an adult and racist fear of Black men is nothing new, but it really gets to me how people can give someone else so much power over their decision-making. Conversely, this doesn't help me because a lot of the people who might be afraid of me usually are the people that control the jobs in the industry where I would like to work.

It's not just me being BLACK, but I am also 6'2" and overweight (but I've lost 70lbs since January!!!) and this means I not only get the racist reaction from people, but I also get the whole anti-fat thing which is a nasty double-whammy and it makes life very un-fun.

Living in L.A. is tough when you're big and Black. This place is not only shallow, vapid and simple-minded, but its also deeply segregated along race and class lines and things are getting worse.

So I sat down and thought about all the ways it sucks being a big Black guy in our world today. I don't care if you agree or not or if you believe me or not. Just understand that this IS the way it is.

Being a Big Black Guy means...

-people automatically assume that you're dumb, lazy or dirty.

-that you'll never get the benefit of the doubt on anything you say. Folks will assume that you're making things up or you're in error. This is funny because I never say anything that I can't back up with a book, website or some other verifiable source. The idea that Black guys go around making false and arbitrary statements about things that can be easily researched is another way that racist beliefs creep into our consciousness.

-that you'll never be invited to the "popular" parties and if you do go, expect to stand around looking at the walls because no one really wants to talk to you unless they want to know about the cool new dances or the name of an obscure hip-hop song.

-that no matter how nice you are, or how cool you are, never expect to be fully accepted by people who are physically in good shape.

-that most people only become friends with those they wouldn't mind having sex with. Therefore, expect people to be nice to you, but not extend themselves to you like they would to those they wish to screw at some point.

-that people will go out of their way not to have conversations with you. Case in point, there's a woman at my job who has never had an actual conversation with me. I don't care at all, but its interesting to note that whenever a new White guy is hired, this same woman talks to them all day long. I've also had people ignore me when I was talking to them and then claim "not to have heard me." I guess selective deafness is a recent health pandemic only in play when there are overweight people around.

-that you will get a nasty attitude from folks for no reason. More often than not, its because some Black guy did something to someone they knew at some point in time; which has nothing to do with you, but because you're Black -- which means that we all know each other and plot together in secret meetings -- you get the delayed rage and frustration meant for another guy.

-that you have to be very selective where you go for recreational activities. You can't just go to any bar or nightclub and expect to get in. And if you do get in, don't expect great treatment. Sometimes, you are limited in your choices, and if you expect to meet people and have a good time, your best bet is to pick the fat-people party circuit where there is less pressure to "fit in" with the vapid crowd.

-that when you do lose weight, its hilarious to watch how differently you are treated by the same folks who ignored you when you were heavier.

I know that a lot of people will read this and not believe it or not care. F--k 'em is what I say.

Being overweight is something that I am working hard against, being Black is something that I love and would never be ashamed of under any circumstances. I just wish the mixture was as beloved as mixing chocolate and peanut butter.

Yes, I know, a food reference, I had to make at least one. LOL

B.

20 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I TURN 50...

2010-06-28T01:18:00.000-07:00

1) Go to Tokyo.

2) Kill someone with my bare hands.

3) Go to London.

4) Publish a sci-fi novel.

5) Go to an MLB All-Star Game.

6) See CHICAGO on Broadway.

7) Go into space somehow.

8) See the Orioles win the World Series.

9) Make some kind of major discovery as an amateur astronomer.

10) Run onto the field in the middle of a baseball game.

11) Get elected to public office.

12) Sell a screenplay.

13) Build a car from scratch.

14) See Linkin Park live in concert.

15) See Earth, Wind & Fire live in concert.

16) Increase Constitutional Literacy in our society

17) Set an Abercrombie & Fitch on fire.

18) See a U.S. Congress actually get something meaningful done (*wishful thinking*).

19) Have a child.

20) Buy a home in my native state of Maryland.

B.

IS THIS A SEXIST THING TO SAY?

2010-06-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

I think it's safe to say that I know a lot of women.

Not women I've slept with or dated, just an accumulation of women met through life, school, work and other general activities over the years.

From some of these women have come complaints of me being "sexist."

I wholeheartedly deny the charge of being a sexist on the grounds of the definition of sexist/sexism from Dictionary.com which is:

"THE BELIEF THAT ONE SEX (USUALLY THE MALE) IS NATURALLY SUPERIOR TO THE OTHER AND SHOULD DOMINATE THE MOST IMPORTANT AREAS OF POLITICAL, ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL LIFE."

I do not believe in this idea at all.

I believe with my entire heart and soul that women should have equality of pay, health care, reproductive rights, educational opportunity and all other aspects of positive social, political and economic freedom in the United States (I would say the rest of the world, but that would be a case of cultural relativism and I don't feel like having that discussion today).

Anyone that knows me, knows that I believe in these things and have (and continue) to fight for these ideals for as long as I live.

Now, my problem arises whenever I say something that many people (almost universally) believe is true but are too scared or PC to say it out loud on the subject of sex/gender issues.

For example, recently, I pissed off a woman I know because I said to her "I don't expect you to know anything about video games, Star Wars or science-fiction in general because you're a woman."

She got really pissed off and called me a "chauvinistic pig" and a few other choice terms I won't repeat here.

Maybe I've just been unlucky in meeting women that like Star Wars or video gaming, but let's say I randomly pick 20 women I know from my Facebook page, I can gaurantee that less than 5 have any knowledge of -- or interest in -- any of the aforementioned hobbies that tend to be overwhelmingly dominated by men.

Whenever I bring these subjects to light around most women I know, I get that standard 10,000 yard blank stare, like the kind that people have after being bitten by a zombie (wait, how many women watch zombie movies?). In other words, they look at me like I just quoted the Born-Oppenheimer Approximation or something. They have no idea what I'm talking about.

And if I pick 20 random guys off my Facebook page and mention either: 1) Star Wars, 2) video gaming, 3) something from the world of sci-fi; I can bet heavily that there will be somewhere between 12-18 that will not only know what I am talking about, but will have some kind of smart-assed response ready to fire back at me.

If this is the case, is it truly "sexist" to say that a woman won't know a damn thing about those subjects?

Granted, there are some hardcore female gamers and Star Wars fans out there that not only know more about these subjects than I do, but also have almost bottomless passion toward these things. However, they are the exception, not the rule. As I am sure that there are a few straight men that watch PROJECT: RUNWAY, but that's the exception folks. Not the rule.

This becomes an argument of biology vs. socialization.

There is nothing genetic built into a woman's DNA that suggests that she wouldn't be able to enjoy a video game or Star Trek or Star Wars on the same level as a man.

However, there is plenty to suggest that women in most societies are immediately socialized into a gender role stereotype (as are men) and this leads to certain choices about what to "get into" in terms of the pop culture zeitgeist. From the time we are born, we are put into gender roles -- male babies wear blue, female babies wear pink -- and from that moment, human gender identity is further constructed by fashion trends, political movements, community culture, religion, economics and peer groups.

For whatever reason, action-oriented, high-octane, external-threat-based stories and toys have been marketed to boys and domestic-oriented, internal-struggle-based, and superficial-emotional-conflict stories and toys have been marketed to girls.

With that in mind, there also seems to be a conscious choice by both sides to follow certain types of shows because it is expected that they do so. Every now and then you get someone to break through the gender curtain, but its not a normal occurrence.

Case in point:

I never watched LIFETIME in my life. I don't watch it now. But for a short period of time in the late 1990s-early 2000s I watched that channel because they showed one of my favorite shows of all time- UNSOLVED MYSTERIES, hosted by Robert Stack (RIP). During the commercials, I would see about 27 different commercials for about 15 different Lifetime made-for-TV movies about how some insane White man tried to kill his beautiful blonde White wife and the movies always end with her driving the car through their living room and kills him while he was trying to assault: a) her mother (his mother-in-law), b) a concerned co-worker, c) a nurse, d) their dog, e) the kindly old detective who takes a paternal role in the story.

All these movies ended with a bunch of bruised, crying women standing in front of an ambulance while they were being wrapped in a blanket by an anonymous fireman.

There was a week when I watched this stuff. Honest.

I almost lost my goddamned mind.

And by the way if you think I'm making this stuff up, take a look at a random assortment of movies for Lifetime:

When he wears glasses AND has beard stubble, you know this guy is a serious @$$hole.

I don't think I need to post anything else because these are the general plots of 90% of Lifetime movies.

Why these are marketed toward women, I have no idea because these people don't behave like any woman or man I've known. Why this appeals to women -- who seem to have something against sci-fi because its "fake" -- I also will never understand.

My point is that I at least went over to the other side to see what the appeal might be. I can have a conversation with a woman about these kinds of stories. Now, guys, go up to the first woman you see at work/school/restaurant and ask them this question - "Was Episode II how you imagined the Clone Wars to be after hearing Princess Leia's message in Episode IV?"

I bet 1 in 75 will be able to give you an answer.

Or better yet, ask them this - "Do you believe Halo: Reach will be better than Killzone 3?"

Bottom line, I know that people have tastes and have every right to choose what they wish. But I don't believe its a sexist thing to say that women just won't know about certain things because they are women. Not things like science, math, economics, history or politics. I know lots of brilliant women that know lots about those subjects.

But how many women, seriously, do you know that get excited about the same things you do? Better yet, how many women do you know that don't mind LEARNING about those things and sharing them with you?

Go ahead and count, I'll wait... I have another 45-50 years in my lifespan. :)

B.

The WORST thing you could ever ask a woman...

2009-11-27T23:50:00.000-08:00

I recently got an email from an ex-girlfriend, I'm guessing it's because its the holiday season and people feel like reaching out and being nice. We exchanged superficial, polite emails and said it was "nice to hear from you" and went on with our day.

I hadn't spoken to "Mary" in quite some time and I remember the reason why. You see, about 6 years ago, I met Mary and we hit it off nicely. There was nothing romantic, but we had a lot in common, and in time, we started to see each other seriously.

That's a nice way to say we banged like the end of the world was coming. No pun.

In any case, we were on a date and Mary ran into a guy named Jamal, or Jimmy, or Jack or some dumb ass name that begins with a "J."

They exchanged pleasantries and the dude gave me a strange look. A familiar look, yet I had a hard time deciphering it at first.

He was a very nice, decent sort of fellow, but there was something in the look he gave me.

I know, you're thinking he was giving me the "gay" look, but that wasn't it.

It stayed in the back of my mind for the rest of the week. Then, it hit me.

So I asked Mary the worst question you could ever ask a woman --

Its not "how old are you?"

Its not "how much do you weigh?"

Its not even "how many guys have you slept with?"

I've asked those questions often, and its never broken up a relationship.

The worst question you could ever ask a woman is:

HOW MANY OF YOUR MALE FRIENDS HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH OR ARE EX-BOYFRIENDS?

Some variation of that question will cause more problems than being a Jew in Afghanistan.

Now, women have asked me that question and I have answered honestly with "I've slept with roughly 40% of my female friends" and they know who they are and I am not ashamed.

But, when I see my ex-girlfriends with their new boyfriends, I give him the "yea, I banged her brains out, hope you're having fun with her now" look. That's the look I got from Mary's ex, and that's the look I hate getting when I am out with a woman I care about.

Needless to say, Mary was pissed beyond belief. She accused me of calling her a "dirty whore" although I never called her a dirty whore, I just wanted to know how many guys we would run into that would give me that uncomfortable look. I can tolerate a lot, but I don't like being reminded that the chick I care about has had more twirls on the old merry-go-round than Marilyn Monroe with the Kennedy boys.

Guys, YOU know what I'm talking about, and suddenly I am aware of why so many of my ex-girlfriends have gone through great lengths to stay away from me once they get into serious relationships. I thought it was because I can be a stone cold @$$hole sometimes, but the reality is that they know what their man is going to ask them the minute I get out of earshot -- "You SLEPT with THAT guy?"

To me, that's hilarious.

MY TOP 20 AMERICAN MOVIES SINCE 1989

2009-08-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I am old enough to make a list of films that I have loved since 1989. It's been 20 friggin' years and yes, this means I am officially getting old.

This list in NOT IN ORDER. These are all my favorite films of the last 20 years and my criteria are the following:

a) Mainstream and critical entertainment value: does it hold up with the intellectual film establishment AND with the bottom-feeding masses that don't know a good movie from a hole in the wall?

b) Influence/Impact on the art form or the business: has the film in question either pushed the art form forward or changed the way that Hollywood does business?

c) Longevity: has the film maintained its narrative and visual strength upon repeated viewings over the last 20 years?

Mind you, this is just my opinion, but I am cooler than most people so you should listen to me.

#1) BATMAN (1989): If you were old enough to wait in line for hours to see this movie, then you remember the marketing onslaught for the film that created the modern Hollywood "event" movie. Before this, movies were a big deal, but never had there been a scientifically-constructed marketing formula to maximize ancillary income from a film franchise on this level. Add in the fact that you had a goth-filmmaker like Tim Burton, wildly inspired casting for the Joker in Jack Nicholson and the oddball casting of Michael Keaton as Batman and you had something that EVERYBODY just had to see.

#2) HEAT (1995): Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Val Kilmer, Tom Sizemore, Jon Voigt and a bunch of other badass male actors frame a compelling and endlessly cool film directed by Miami Vice creator Michael Mann. This film had it all: great action scenes, tons of tough guy dialogue, a very hot young Ashley Judd and a story that doesn't waste a second of screen time. Hollywood has been trying to re-create this movie since the late 1990s and they haven't been able to come close. This movie never gets boring to watch.

#3) GOODFELLAS (1990): Hollywood's last great gangster film. This is Martin Scorsese's magnum opus. Incredible filmmaking techniques (just look at that one-take shot through the back of the nightclub in the clip below), incredible acting from Pesci, DeNiro, Liotta and Bracco, kick ass screenplay, perfect use of musical cues and editing, almost flawless economical storytelling framed with a moral at the end. More fluid than the GODFATHER series, more intelligent and emotionally accessible than the SOPRANOS and can be used as both an example of supreme entertainment and a guidebook to classic Hollywood filmmaking, I can not think of another recent gangster movie that reaches the creative pinnacle of this one. My hat is off to you Scorsese.

#4) MOULIN ROUGE (2001): Although many people think I am crazy for loving this film so much, director Baz Luhrmann created a wonderfully schizophrenic musical adventure based on the opera La Traviata. This version of Moulin Rouge is relentless and fearless. Luhrmann decides to throw away the trappings of traditional narrative and Hollywood editing style to explore the endless possibilities of the film medium (that is the synthesis of all arts and so few working directors seem to remember this). Gorgeous set design, visually appealing costumes and the BEST Nicole Kidman has ever looked in her career. Lots of fun.

#5) FIGHT CLUB (1999): Throughout this list, the year 1999 will pop up again because for some reason or another, a lot of truly inventive and interesting films made it through the Hollywood system in the pre-Millenial year. Fight Club is one of the most creative and unexpected movies ever made by a major studio. Ed Norton and Brad Pitt were picture perfect in their roles as id and ego. Director David Fincher showed his talent by pulling the unsuspecting audience towards one of the biggest twist endings in movie history. The rumor goes that the executives at Fox thought they were buying an action movie and wound up getting the greatest anti-establishment film of the last 50 years.

#6) JFK (1991): Director Oliver Stone's look at the possible conspiracy involving the Kennedy assassination. Re-introduced the Kennedy mythos to an entire generation that was unborn during the turbulent 60s. Revolutionary in its use of various film stocks to create a documentary-like recreation of fabricated events, lending to it a sense of scholarly authenticity. Despite some conspiracy-minded foolishness, goes a long way in establishing the foolishness of Warren Commission's findings of a lone gunman. Another perfect amalgamation of propaganda and pop art.

#7) CLERKS (1994): Kevin Smith's debut film accurately captures the pathos and soul numbing repetition of retail work from the perspective of 20-something slackers too enraptured with the irresponsibility of their adolescent years. Smith dug deeeeeeep into the heart of 1980s kids by playing with our pointless infatuation with the 1980s and how it keeps many from taking their lives to the next level. Spotty at times, but has a kind of gritty realism that helps you to identify with their plight even if you find them responsible for their lot in life. Beneath all the fun is an undercurrent of unavoidable sadness.

#8) GATTACA (1997): A prophetic movie that explores what happens when society allows genetic manipulation in unborn children to remove any potential maladies or defects. An underclass of normal born people struggle to survive in a "perfect" world where discrimination is the rule and upward advancement is a mirage. This screenplay is strong and depicts a future world that feels familiar and possible.

#9) SWINGERS (1996): The only romantic comedy made by men FOR men. This is an all-too familiar tale of the "regular" guy not blessed with gorgeous looks nor the ability to deliver snappy pick-up lines in the vicious world of the Los Angeles singles scene. Fantastic music and great performances from Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau and Ron Livingston make this movie accessible and pleasant. Nothing groundbreaking, but definitely a more intelligent look at dating from the perspective of single men with everything and nothing to lose.

#10) LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING: While Return of the King won the Oscars for best picture and all the other important awards, FOTR (as we geeks call it) was the strongest entry in my opinion. Director Peter Jackson had the unenviable task of introducing a largely illiterate society to a grand work of literature in cinematic form. Not only did he pull it off, but he took the novel to a new level by simplifying the pointless linguistic excess of Tolkein's world. LOTR was everything the other two movies weren't: focused, unfettered, exciting, poetic, unpretentious. Even the extended version moves along faster than the theatrical cuts of the sequels.

#11) THE MATRIX (1999): I don't know what else can be said about this modern masterpiece but I will say this, it was one of the few films I have ever seen that I had no idea what was going to happen next. If you know me, then you know this never happens to me, EVER. I can usually figure out a film about 20 minutes into it, but with the Matrix, I was guessing and second-guessing pretty much until the last second of screen time. This screenplay was thoughtful, imaginative, exciting and hard-hitting. While everybody and their mother has been ripping off the visual style of the Matrix for the last decade, the original is still the best. This movie is what BLADE RUNNER would have been had it been made at the end of the 20th century.

NOT DONE YET...

I HATE IBMs (Ignorant Black Muthafu**as)

2009-06-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

When I was a younger man and watched the following infamous Chris Rock stand-up performance clip called "Black People vs. Niggaz" I laughed my pants off but was somewhat embarrassed. I felt at the time that Chris Rock went a little too far in his condemnation of "lower class" black people.

I still feel now as I did then that white folks can't tell the difference between a normal everyday working educated black person and a black scumbag, but as I have gotten older, Chris Rock's message is ringing truer than ever before in my ears. So before I continue, take a look at Chris Rock's performance:

Done?

Good.

You can't deny that this is brilliant, funny stuff. It still makes me a little uncomfortable, but that is the mark of great art -- its supposed to make you think and reflect on the world.

In any case, I have grown weary of the kind of black folks that Chris Rock was trashing that clip. I have made a pact with myself never to call another black person a "nigga, nigger, etc." so I coin the phrase IBM -- which stands for Ignorant Black Muthafukka.

I find that this definition fits because they are ignorant (without knowledge of the world or self), they are black (sadly), and they are muthafukkas (just like Bernie Mac used to say -- 50 points to you if you catch that reference).

I hate IBMs with a PASSION. I hate them like Hitler hated Jews. I hate them like the Coyote hated the Roadrunner. I hate them like Itchy hates Scratchy. I think you get the point.

My hate stems from the fact that I grew up with working class and middle class blacks who went to good schools, never went to jail, read books, supported the arts, saw good movies, loved baseball, loved walks in the park with their dogs and lived the most wonderful and fulfilling lives you could imagine. Yet, now, almost everywhere I go, I no longer see those kinds of black people.

Its like some alien force swooped down and took 75% of all the normal black people away and left us with the lowest common demoninator. And I can't stand them. Lord, I really can't stand them.

IBMs are loud, obnoxious, illogical, immature and possess the largest sense of entitlement this side of Long Island (another 50 points if you get that reference). Let me give you an example:

I work at this ghetto ass mall called Baldwin Hills Crenshaw Shopping Center in Los Angeles. Its a side job I have at GameStop just to make ends meet while I work at the college and write my screenplays. Anyway, GameStop is one of the shittiest companies in the universe so never work there if you can help it.

GameStop has a policy where if you buy a used game you have approximately SEVEN DAYS to return it for a full refund. After that, we can't take it back unless its as a "trade-in" which is roughly 70% less than what was originally paid. This one IBM walked into the store and wanted to return an awful game. Usually, we have no problem doing returns as long as you are within the seven day span.

This IBM had the receipt and the date was 05/18/09. Today is 06/16/09. By all calculations, he was way out of the grace period. So instead of realizing he is wrong and walking out of the store, this IBM opens with a rant:

IBM: "Y'all didn't say nuffin' about that when I bought it."

Me: "On the top of the receipt is the name of the person who sold it to you. XXXXXX is the manager, I am sure he mentioned the return policy to you. If not, its right here on the receipt."

I showed him where the policy was CLEARLY printed on the receipt -- but he didn't seem like the type who likes printed words.

IBM: "Naw man, this is bullshit. Y'all didn't say nuffin' about this. This is bullshit man. Y'all be sellin' fucked up games and shit and then won't take them back."

Me: "How long did you have the game before you realized that it didn't work?"

IBM: "My son didn't play it for a month because he was punished."

WTF?

Me: "There's nothing I can do man."

Then this IBM proceeds to curse and become borderline threatening but what he didn't bargain for was the fact that I don't back down easily and its very hard to intimidate me so he eventually left after promising to "only shop at white stores from now on."

Note to readers: most IBMs are big talkers. They are used to people becoming intimidated by their bluster and bullcrap and try to get their way. The best thing to do is to continue to stick to your guns and they will walk away cursing and talking crap but no harm will come to you. This may not always be the case, but most often you'll be fine.

Getting back to the issue at hand, I am so tired of IBMs because they make the entire black race look like a bunch of uncultured street trash that complain endlessly about racism and don't do anything to contribute to society. IBMs have nothing of worth to say mainly because their brains are filled with pointless hedonistic, inarticulate new school hip-hop songs by Lil' Wayne.

See that image? That's how a lot of white folks and recent immigrants see African-Americans. Think about that for a long moment. Think deeply about that. If you have half a brain, you should be alarmed and nausiated.

How do you recognize an IBM? Here's my guide:

A) IBMs will be wearing basketball jerseys and baseball caps that are color coordinated yet aren't fans of either team. IBMs make it hard for a black guy to be a fan of a baseball team because everybody will think you're wearing the hat to be cool.

B) IBMs dress like they're 15 years old even at the age of 50. There is nothing more obscene than seeing a grown ass black man with grey hair twisted up into cornrows. Its beyond atrocious.

C) IBMs never speak in complete sentences.

D) IBMs don't value educational achievement, this is why you will see an IBM buy their child $200 sneakers but don't own a set of encyclopedias in their home. Worse, the only reading materials in most IBM homes is a video game strategy guide or directions to a probation office.

E) IBMs love blaming everybody else if something doesn't go right - teachers, police, their parents, the mafia, Sony, Microsoft, NASA (wait, most IBMs don't know what NASA is) -- everybody but themselves. If their kids can't read or write, its the teacher's fault. If they get busted for selling crack to pregnant women, its the police's fault for arresting them.

F) IBMs never have a concept of a larger world. Your typical IBM won't leave their neighborhood for any reason. Ever. You won't meet an IBM if you go to the following places: Barnes & Noble, arthouse movie theatres, the planetarium (in fact, any museum whatsoever except for the travelling sneaker show), baseball games (except for Yankee Stadium) or your local library. IBMs don't like culture unless they see it on BET (which isn't even owned by black people anymore) or some godawful black TV show produced by Tyler Perry.

G) IBMs stand outside of their apartments or tenements or whatever for no reason in the middle of the day. I haven't stood outside of my house for more than 5 minutes since I was 15 years old. I usually have somewhere to go. Its called an agenda. I had a conversation about selling drugs just to make money for video games and sneakers. I always felt that if you are going to become a hustler, then hustle for a purpose like the Irish Mob and the Italian Mafia did and like the Armenians and the Mexicans are now. Make the money, launder it, rinse, repeat. IBMs stand on the corner all day to buy depreciating assets and never move up from that level. They advertise to undercover police where the action is whether they know it or not.

What makes IBMs particularly frustrating is that there are normal black people who defend them or -- worse -- idolize them as representing some kind of authentic "blackness." As if the ebb and flow of our community was tied to irresponsible morons with no sense of history or purpose. And this has caused unfathomable levels of suffering.

Single, intelligent, attractive and upwardly mobile black women love to date IBMs and then get treated like trash. These black women then go onto hate ALL black men as if we are all IBMs. Don't think so? Check your average internet dating site these days and you will find hundreds of black women only wanting to date white men and they have profiles that say things like "need a man with a job, who has a college degree and is on my level. White guys only."

I wish I could round up all the IBMs on earth and launch them into the sun. I'm serious. It would solve SO many problems.

Even Bill Cosby agrees with me and few years ago when he told the truth, people flipped out and made it seem like Bill was crazy or elitist. What Bill was saying was that black people need to get their shit together immediately or else we are going to swirl down the drain. Folks didn't want to hear the truth and made it sound like he was wrong.

I will leave you with what he said and let you reach you own conclusions. Take care.

B.

(http://www.eightcitiesmap.com/transcript_bc.htm)

"Ladies and gentlemen, these people set, they opened the doors, they gave us the right, and today, ladies and gentlemen, in our cities and public schools we have fifty percent drop out. In our own neighborhood, we have men in prison. No longer is a person embarrassed because they’re pregnant without a husband. No longer is a boy considered an embarrassment if he tries to run away from being the father of the unmarried child."

"50 percent drop out rate, I’m telling you, and people in jail, and women having children by five, six different men. Under what excuse, I want somebody to love me, and as soon as you have it, you forget to parent. Grandmother, mother, and great grandmother in the same room, raising children, and the child knows nothing about love or respect of any one of the three of them. All this child knows is “gimme, gimme, gimme.” These people want to buy the friendship of a child….and the child couldn’t care less. Those of us sitting out here who have gone on to some college or whatever we’ve done, we still fear our parents. And these people are not parenting. They’re buying things for the kid. $500 sneakers, for what? They won’t buy or spend $250 on Hooked on Phonics."

"Now look, I’m telling you. It’s not what they’re doing to us. It’s what we’re not doing. 50 percent drop out. Look, we’re raising our own ingrown immigrants. These people are fighting hard to be ignorant. There’s no English being spoken, and they’re walking and they’re angry. Oh God, they’re angry and they have pistols and they shoot and they do stupid things. And after they kill somebody, they don’t have a plan. Just murder somebody. Boom. Over what? A pizza? And then run to the poor cousin’s house."

Internet Personals Language Decoded

2009-05-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

A very good female friend of mine called me the other night and asked me what the phrase "laid back" meant in relation to a person's character. I didn't understand what she meant so she explained that she had been looking at a bunch of male profiles at online dating sites and almost 95% of those ads had some variation on the following sentence:

"I am a nice, educated and laid back kind of guy."

She asked me WTF "laid back" meant and I told her its a catch-all phrase used to disarm women who think all guys want is a romp in the sack. Although it is true that all guys want is a romp in the sack from a chick they meet online, I wanted to give her the red flag words and phrases used by unscrupulous people on internet dating sites.

First, here are the definitions for "laid back":

Definition #1: Someone that is generally relaxed in most situations. Wears a lot of khakis, not up on latest fashions. Tends to be more involved than others in politics and world events.

Definition #2: Someone that is very lazy and confuses being laid back with not having goals, dreams or career plans. This is the person you want to avoid unless you enjoy watch ESPN or Gossip Girl reruns all night.

Definiton #3: A person who has no idea what is happening in the world and no ability to think critically. Doesn't like to think deeply about anything.

When you see laid back in a personals ad, just ask them what their definition of "laid back" is and if it is close to any of these three definitons, you owe me $5.00.

Now, here is the official decoder for personal adspeak.

1) "Not looking for anything serious, just want to see what's out there." = I am looking to get laid by as many people as possible because this is the most attention I have ever gotten from the opposite sex in my entire life and I want to see what it feels like to be desired by a diverse group of people.

2) "Just got out of a serious relationship, just want to be friends first." = I am secretly bitter about my last relationship and I don't trust anybody. However, I still have physical and emotional needs and I can use meaningless sex and pointless dates to simulutaneously numb the pain and gain a bit of vengeance by being an @$$hole to this new person who doesn't deserve it.

3) "I am independent." = I want to be congratulated for doing what most people have done for centuries a.k.a. supporting oneself.

4) "I am tired of losers, I want to meet a nice guy/girl." = I might be the reason I keep driving people away, but I will blame others endlessly until I find someone I can manipulate.

5) "I would like to meet someone intelligent for good conversation." = I tend to keep dating vapid, shallow types because I am vapid and shallow. I just want to meet someone smart enough to agree with my ideas.

6) "I don't like B.S. and I don't deal with B.S. so be real when you talk to me." = I am actually full of $h!t but I have no idea how to be classy about it so I confuse being rude with being honest. I can't handle people being honest with me so whenever someone says something that hits close to home I push them away and congratulate myself for being "real" enough to recognize other people being fake.

7) "Looking for Mr./Mrs. Right Now." = I am a slut. Proceed at your own risk.

8) "Looking for a serious relationship." = I am very tired of one night stands and even though I get laid regularly, these people aren't that attractive so I am going to see if i can find someone who is cute enough and tolerable enough to screw regularly but I don't want to feel like a scumbag so I will claim to want a serious relationship.

9) "We all have our preferences." = I am racist.

10) "I am a simple man/woman who knows what I want." = I have no idea what I want and I have a slew of unrealistic expectations for whomever answers this personal ad.

B.

Why American Students Suck at Everything!

2009-03-05T12:33:00.000-08:00

As a former NYC public school teacher, not a day went by where I didn't want to stick my head into a giant wood chipper and end it all because of the mind-numbing stupidity and lack of educational desire shown by my students over the years.

No matter what we did as teachers, the end result was the same -- lowering standards, extending deadlines and making concessions for students who most likely belonged in a job training center as opposed to a balanced liberal arts education.

For years, people have pointed fingers at the reasons why our students don't perform on the level of other developed countries. Some have said overcrowded classrooms, street gang infiltration, lazy or sex-crazed instructors, poor tax districts, moronic principals and lack of up-to-date educational materials as causes for the drop in student achievement over the years. And while many of these are real problems that do have a direct effect on a child's ability to learn, these are not the root issues affecting American kids today.

In previous generations, American schools were a lot worse in terms of size and access to materials, and students not only learned well, but they retained knowledge and applied it to their lives. In addition, students with substandard materials in substandard schools worked TWICE AS HARD in order to get good grades and prepare themselves for the future (i.e. any African-American student born south of Maryland).

From 1910-1970, recent non-English speaking immigrants and their children also managed to not only learn English, but excel in the realms of business and investment.

So what the hell happened?

Yea, Bush's ridiculous No Child Left Behind "program" did tremendous damage to the educational system by focusing too much on standardized testing and not enough on emphasizing the teaching of critical thinking skills. I can't stress that enough.

However, NCLB was an encapsulation of everything wrong with the American educational system and not the genesis of the problem. There are several real world reasons why students suck today and most of it has nothing to do with government. What I am about to say will not be PC or endearing or encouraging. I will speak on what I have seen personally as a teacher from my years in a horrible Bronx neighborhood school and in a halfway decent Harlem area school.

Feel free to call me whatever you like :)

1) LOUSY PARENTS:

It all starts at home. I would have a godawful student who cursed all the time, was disrespectful, couldn't read nor write, but acted like they were perfect. I would wonder how the hell could anyone possibly turn out that way and then Parent/Teacher Night would arrive and so would the answer to my questions.

There are some VERY horrible parents out there and nothing can be done about that. There are people who have zero morals and have no concept of conscience nor an idea of the nature of "right vs. wrong."

I know people will hate me for saying this, but all these single mothers and their bad choices in men have caused an educational apocalypse in this country (and YES, I am aware that there are reasons why a woman can end up alone with a child, but from what I have seen over the years, a lot of those women decided to have unprotected sex with the local drug dealer/thug, and when she got pregnant, he disappeared). You really need two parents in the house or at least an educational support network of people who understand the need for a child to have a basic knowledge of math, science, history and English (the subject and the language).

Why is this necessary?

A few years back, it was determined that out of all five NYC boroughs, Queens had some of the best test scores in the state. People were running around trying to find out the secret of why Queens had better scores in general, especially compared to the other boroughs and the fact that Queens has perhaps the largest community of diverse immigrant groups living in one area in the United States.

Over time, people figured out it was because there was someone at home (usually a grandmother, aunt, or stay-at-home mom) when the child got in from school who immediately demanded that the kid start studying or doing homework instead of getting online or playing video games. The importance of parental involvement in a child's educational development can not be overestimated.

Many of these families are immigrant families who might not collectively be skilled in the english language, but do understand the need for educational excellence. There is a lesson to be learned here; investing in a child's education early will pay massive dividends in the future. The era of allowing TV to raise a child has reaped a devastating crop of academic disinterest and an acceptance of failure.

2) OVER-RELIANCE ON ELECTRONIC MEDIA:

This generation of kids has spent too much time watching TV, playing video games, texting each other on PDAs instead of talking to their friends in person while spending money to buy a worthless gadget that becomes out of style 30 days after it is purchased.

Think about it, this generation of kids will never know what it is like to spend a summer afternoon running around in a park, or getting hurt on the monkey bars at a playground, or climbing trees and busting their @$$es only to get right up and try to climb the tree again. To me, that is a great tragedy.

I have had hundreds of parents ask me why their kids can't read, study or pay attention to anything for long periods of time, and whenever I ask them how much TV did the child watch as a baby, they unanimously responded that the kid would sit in front of a TV for hours as a toddler. And therein lies the issue.

Young children should not be exposed to a lot of TV watching at all, let alone be left in front of a TV for hours on end. In those early years of a child's development, they need to be held by humans, spoken to by humans and have social interactions with their peers. None of this can be accomplished by having them sit in front of a TV for hours on end.

Check out what a study from the University of Michigan had to say about the matter:

"Children of all ages are constantly learning new things. The first 2 years of life are especially important in the growth and development of your child's brain. During this time, children need good, positive interaction with other children and adults. Too much television can negatively affect early brain development. This is especially true at younger ages, when learning to talk and play with others is so important."

And further...

TV viewing may replace activities that we know help with school performance, such as reading, doing homework, pursuing hobbies, and getting enough sleep.
One research study found that TV's effects on education were long term. The study found that watching TV as a child affected educational achievement at age 26. Watching more TV in childhood increased chances of dropping out of school and decreased chances of getting a college degree, even after controlling for confounding factors [24].
Watching TV at age four was one factor found to be associated with bullying in grade school [25].

In other words, DON'T LET YOUNG KIDS WATCH TV BECAUSE IT WILL ROYALLY $%#% UP THEIR CHANCES IN SCHOOL!

The abundance of electronic media in our lives makes this a difficult challenge but a necessary step in increasing the academic potential of our students. When a kid watches TV, its a one-way communication process that does not properly stimulate the academically-centered portions of the brain and it builds an expectation in the child that they need to be constantly entertained rather than engaged.

I used to have students become offended because I would demand that they read their textbooks or do homework because this took time away from their socializing or video game playing. How dare I suggest that they stop texting in my classroom or pay attention to what I have to say when there is a major state standardized test approaching?

3) IDIOTIC ADMINISTRATORS -

In the six years I spent as a public school teacher, I believe I only knew one administrator who understood that the way to fix a school is through discipline first, then educational excellence. If you have kids cutting classes and partying in the hallways, having sex in the auditorium, vandalizing property (including teacher's cars), stealing property and generally being a massive pain in the @$$, then you can't possibly teach anyone anything. And by the way, those events I just mentioned were commonplace at the Bronx school I where I began my teaching career.

If the leader of the school community -- the Principal -- is a complete moron then how can you expect the students to follow a positive example? The best principals I ever had growing up where the ones I was terrified of and not ones I considered a friend. I was never on speaking terms with my principal and the idea of going to the principal's office was something to be dreaded, not a place where I went to relax and hang out.

I also watched students cut class on the sofas in front of the principal's office in one school. I had no idea what to do or say to get them back into class because when the kids aren't afraid of the principal or their authority, it undercuts the teacher's ability to maintain control. Sadly, educational discipline was always about fear and guess what, it always worked.

When school administrators take the buddy-buddy approach to leadership, it works for a few students in the short term, but in the long stretch, the message gets out that the "Principal is soft" and then the students bend the rules and modify their behavior to fit the principal's touchy-feely style of leadership. Regardless of the student's intellectual abilities, many kids nowadays know how to manipulate the system to protect themselves from getting expelled for doing things that would have gotten me blacklisted from any school system forever.

I had caught one student ripping a painting off the wall in my school. I actually had a photograph of him doing it on my cell phone. When we had the meeting with his mother, she tried to defend his actions, claiming that we had no proof of him doing it until I produced the pitcure of the incident.

Mind you, his mom was not a rocket scientst but the system has mutated into a creature that suggests that all teachers are molesters who can not be taken at their word. Administrators allowed a bunch of non-teacher lawyers to become "child advocates" who are supposed to protect the interests of families from any wrongdoing by teachers and principals. This was created in reaction to past years when black students were mistreated by school districts and had no one to defend them against being expelled for no reasons other than malicious racial plots.

However, it has turned into a tool to be used by lousy parents who feel that teachers are "picking on" their bastard kids. At a time when principals should have stood up to be counted, many of them (who themselves were former advocates), embraced this shift in educational accountability and allowed their schools to be micro-managed by faceless bureaucrats who had never spent a single millisecond teaching children in a classroom environment.

When you add all of this up, you get an entire generation of hedonistic students incapable of understanding that planning for the future is the only way to ensure that one exists. I got out of teaching because I felt like I was trying to plug a damn with a stick of chewing gum. Even though I know I touched and changed lives, the big picture was awful and getting worse.

I honestly don't know what else can be done to change all of this unless concerned teachers continue to build charter school programs and alter the way we currently overplan for standardized testing.

B.

SHADOWLAW: THE SERIAL NOVEL is available for sale...

2009-01-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

http://stores.lulu.com/brandoneaston

In a Catholic-controlled future society, a disgraced soldier discovers a secret pact between the government he was sworn to protect and a powerful global Vampire cult.

In a universe of faith based on lies, Rictor Caesaro must find the truth before all of mankind is enslaved and destroyed.

Welcome to the world of Shadowlaw, the first in a series of novels in the new genre of Vampire-Mech: supernatural action mixed with men who pilot Mech suits, giant robotic suits of armor!

NOTE: This is a SERIALIZED NOVEL, only the first few chapters are available with some other information in the back of this episode. It is a better idea to DOWNLOAD the story for now.

For those who want to get part of the Shadowlaw story in advance, I am offering the first few chapters of the novel for sale in a SERIALIZED NOVEL FORMAT -- like what Stephen King did with the GREEN MILE novellas. It is far too expensive for print, so if you wish to purchase it, please use the DOWNLOAD option.

Thanks in advance!

B.

10 REASONS WHY POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL IS ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME

2008-11-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

I love those damn POLICE ACADEMY movies. Its not that I think police are that funny, but there is something about those ridiculous movies that you can't hate.

When I speak of Police Academy, I am only speaking of the first four of them. Police Academy 5 through 8 were stupid like Paris Hilton stupid. Stupid like Ozzy Osbourne and Paris Hilton having a kid together stupid.

I swear to god, one of those movies had them fighting with the Russian army.

Anyways, on to the list:

10) The big, fat Black guy they called "House."

9) Skateboarding legend and video game license whore Tony Hawk being one of the guys in the skateboarding sequence.

8) That cool ass skateboarding sequence.

7) David Spade's earliest film role. (F%$ck that guy, but I know some people like him.)

6) "Mama's little baby likes shortening bread... hah" If you saw the movie, you know what I am talking about.

5) Yet another awesome appearance of the Blue Oyster bar.

4) Proctor being placed in the middle of a football field while inside of a Port-a-potty.

3) Bobcat Goldwaithe and that wierd blonde chick running towards each other while the song "It doesn't have to be that way" by the Blow Monkeys is playing. Again, those who have seen it, know what I talking about.

2) The Leslie Easterbrook pool scene - Proof that there is a sweet man in Heaven named the Lord Jesus Christ. That woman is an act of God.

And the #1 reason Police Academy 4 is one of the greatest movies of all time:

1) YAMA YAMA YAMA Scene!

Watch it here:

Neat little interview...

2008-11-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

I will get back to complaining tomorrow... for now, check out this cool interview done by the folks at BLACK AUTHORS SHOWCASE:

http://blackauthors.ning.com/forum/topics/scifihorror-comics-brandon

B.

LOS ANGELES OBSERVATIONS... a.k.a. Beverly Hills Crop

2008-10-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it.

I really did move from NYC to Los Angeles. I never thought I would, but by God I got out of a very comfortable existence on the East coast to come back to California to give my dreams a solid shot.

A dream of becoming a working Hollywood screenwriter. To those who don't understand why someone would want to do that, consider this: people don't read books, analyze scientific data for fun, or write extensive memoirs contemplating the nature of humanity in the universe.

No, they watch TV and movies. A lot of television and a whole lot of movies. If you want to control Americans, you control and create what they watch. By nature, humans are visually-oriented and often have trouble trying to connect invisible abstract terms and ideas. Therefore, you can get a person to believe ANYTHING they see if you show it to them enough times.

Regardless of what people might tell you, writers are the creative backbone of most popular entertainment. Without writers there would be no movies, TV, radio, music, video games, newspapers, or magazines. Not to mention how this would directly affect the worlds of business and law.

The beauty of being a writer is that you can transmit your own personal views on the world to the masses and hide it within an entertaining story. People are most susceptible to suggestion whenever they feel like being entertained. Trust me.

This is an incredible form of power. And to top it all off with a big, fat, sweet, juicy cherry, you get paid obscene amounts of money to do it.

And they claim that there is no justice in the world. heheheheheh

I never claimed to be the noblest guy on Earth.

There are major differences between Los Angeles and NYC. Of course that goes without saying, but it often feels like being on an entirely other planet. Or realistically, a whole other country. It is in times like these that you notice how big this country really is.

However, there are some striking differences that are worthy of noting:

a) Cynics: Everybody here in Los Angeles seems to think you're the biggest liar they ever met. It seems like there is very little faith or trust amongst people here. Perhaps the pursuit of money and power pervents the human soul to such a point where they lose a sense of what it feels like to be stepped on or oppressed?

Being a former history teacher means that you have to always be ready to back up your claims with direct historical evidence so that you appear to be an expert. I usually have my facts and back up ready whenever someone wishes to challenge my words as being contrived. Those who walk around assuming everyone else is a liar usually have little to share with the world anyway.

b) Tribalism: For a place that prides itself on its open-minded, laid back, non-conformist liberal attitudes, Los Angeles is one of the most racially segregated places I have seen outside of Boston, Massachusetts (and anyone who knows me knows how I feel about the people of Massachusetts).

In NYC, they have a Chinatown that surrounds Little Italy, and is bordered by the federal governmental buildings in lower Manhattan. In Los Angeles they have: Koreatown, Little Tokyo, Chinatown, Little Armenia (like, where the f@#k did all these Armenians come from? Is that country the size of India or something?), and Filipinotown.

The neighborhoods of Watts, Compton, Inglewood, and Long Beach should be called Africatown, and East LA should really be called Big Mexico.

Its understandable that people would want to live with their own kind, its been happening since the beginning of time. I just believe that its not a bad thing to learn about other cultures because you can learn more about yourself in the process. I know that sounds like a greeting card, but it also happens to be the truth.

c) Beautiful, but bizarre women: LA has some of the most beautiful women you will ever see in your lifetime. Some of them are as wacky as they are gorgeous though, and that makes it a lot less fun.

From observation, the women here are very distant and manipulative. They don't want you to get close to them, but they crave the attention anyway. Thats like some deep weirdo psychological vampirism that I couldn't even begin to analyze.

I listen to their conversations and they remind me of people who don't get out of the house much, they don't seem to KNOW anything. They have no spiritual depth nor sense of adventure or curiousity. To them, the United States of America is the drive from their apartment to the freeways, to work, and back home. And I guess you could throw in whatever lousy, sparkly dive they call a nightclub in there for good measure.

I am not talking about ALL the women of Los Angeles, just the ones who seem to stumble into your way because they are wearing high heels they saw on Sex and the City.

I am tired... I am going to do a part two to this real soon.

B.

Random Thoughts...

2008-08-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, when I am stuck on the #2 train having to listen to loud and obnoxious Dominican teenagers screaming about sexual positions, my mind tends to drift to simpler times and quieter memories.

And other times I just have nonsense going through my head:

1) Do the people who work in adult bookstores judge people who shop there? Like really, who the $#% are they to judge anyone? They WORK at an adult bookstore.

2) Most people who grew up in NYC really need to get out of here ASAP. Having such a skewed perspective on life can make it easy for a person to lose sight of common sense and patience.

3) I am slowly coming to realize that the average person in America truly is a complete moron outside of whatever field they have narrowly encased themselves. People have zero knowledge of anything that isn't centered around foolishness. It's scary.

4) An addendum to #3, I saw "Buzz" Aldrin on the street near 13th and Broadway in Manhattan. For those who don't know, Aldrin was the SECOND HUMAN BEING to walk on the moon. EVER. For those who don't know... that is a MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT IN HUMAN HISTORY REGARDLESS OF RACE, CLASS, GENDER, CREED, ORIENTATION. ETC.

I was so shocked and excited to meet him that I was walking around on a cloud of happiness, which in NYC, immediately gets tainted with pollution. I went into a local store and said to the girl at the register, "Hey, you know, Buzz Aldrin is right outside!"

She looked at me like I just said, "I had sexual relations with a red donkey riding on the back of Barbara Streisand."

The girl said ,"who?"

"Buzz Aldrin"

Blank stare.

"The astronaut," I said.

Blank stare.

"The second person to ever walk on the moon," I said.

"Oh," she replied, "He was an astronaut?"

Several things happened in that situation: a) the girl was a motherf%#ing moron, b) the space program just doesn't matter anymore, c) history teachers suck ass these days (hey, I am a history teacher, I know how these people think), d) I get too excited about things that actually matter.

5) I am thinking I need to move to some state or country where the average citizen reads books and newspapers, knows what is happening in the world, votes regularly, and can name at least 5 American presidents. I can't beat the morons, but I absolutely refuse to join them.

B.

GEORGE CARLIN: THE LAST BIT OF TRUTH JUST DIED

2008-06-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

If you don't understand why I titled this entry the way that I did, please watch this 7-min clip and you will understand just about everything worth knowing in this world:

God Bless You Carlin. Heaven needs a real ass kicker these days.

B.

THINGS I LEARNED BY WATCHING FERRIS BUELLER

2008-06-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

You know I was watching Ferris Bueller the other day and I noticed a lot of weird $h!t in that film. At the age of 34, I am realizing that even though there is a lot of cool stuff from the 1980s that I adore, a lot of it was ridiculous.

For example, in the world of John Hughes movies, black people travel around the city in packs waiting to hear music blaring from a loudspeaker so they can do a syncopated dance number that they have practiced for months.

If you don't believe me, check out the video above and wait til about 0:57 seconds in. I don't even know if that is racist or not because on one hand, that group of black folks look like they are having a blast; but on the other hand, don't these people have jobs or families to go to?

Or maybe they are all one big family like the Osmonds or the Kardashians and they make money walking around as one big urban dance troupe.

Just a thought.

B.

My New Podcast

2008-03-22T16:30:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone.

This is the first episode of the new podcast called WRITING FOR ROOKIES.

Here, I will give advice, opinions, news, and helpful links for those who wish to break into the world of fiction writing. This podcast will be mostly about breaking into the science-fiction genre and the comic book industry.

However, anyone who seeks clear and uncomplicated advice on how to jumpstart a writing career will need to listen to this show on a regular basis.

I can not promise to have all the answers, just the right ones for you to get started from scratch.

If you have any questions, feel free to email me at SHADOWLAWCOMIC@GMAIL.COM

HERE IT IS:

http://writingforrookies.podcastpeople.com/posts/21591

2008. Damn.

2008-01-02T16:11:00.001-08:00

My first question is "where are the flying cars?"

I mean, damn, its 2008.

Wow 2008.

I haven't posted anything in a long time because I really had nothing to say.

People who know me know how I feel on most topics, and those who don't might not care. So why do it? ahahaahah

Generally, there are two things I am most concerned about right now:

1) The destruction of the U.S. Constitution by the Bush Administration.

2) The horrible state of the U.S. educational system. To say its a mess would be an understatement.

I will get into a much deeper explanation of that stuff another time. Right now, I just hope for the best. I have changed a lot in the last year, moving forward into your 30s is such an important time for a person for the simple fact you begin to reconcile certain things in a more healthy way.

For example, these are lessons you learn when you pass 32 years of age:

1) Family sucks. Sometimes, you have to forgive them. Sometimes.
2) Anger gets nothing done. Except when a person really needs to be put in their place for their own good.
3) Your 20's were basically a waste of time. 10 years spent rejecting wisdom that you realize you should have taken seriously by the time you're 30.
4) Don't settle for a relationship just so you're not alone. That's when you let people in your life you normally wouldn't.
5) Be yourself, that way, the people who don't like you won't like you. Don't waste all your time pretending to be cool so a bunch of fake people can pretend they like you. In the long term, honest tension is better than fake peace.
6) About 70% of the people you meet will assume the worst of you unless you're a white male.
7) The Boston Red Sox are the new Evil Empire in baseball.

Accepting those simple truths helped me understand a lot of things. It also helped me to deal with people on a much simpler level. When I accepted that I am not the type who will get along with everyone, then I was able to find a center within myself. I spent many years wondering why I didn't "click" with most people I met, and I often thought negatively upon myself.

Was I not charming enough? Not "cool" enough? Not interesting enough? Not attractive enough? I asked myself that 1 billion times over the years. Each time I found another negative chamber in my heart and figured that caused folks to back off or be dismissive.

I got a newsflash recently that is a cliche, but an important life lesson at the same time: Not everyone is meant to be your friend.

So now I go into each new situation with an open heart and a critical mind. I don't seek to create new enemies; I simply wish to encourage honest and truly diverse people to enter my life.

PEACE
B.

Bonds and American Racism

2007-08-08T16:26:00.001-07:00

Barry Bonds is a jerk.

There I said it.

But he is also one of the greatest baseball players on Earth. Past and present.

However, a large majority of white baseball fans seem to feel that he is the worst human alive because he is under the suspicion of having used steroids. One of the problems here is that the majority of players believed to have been using steroids were PITCHERS, not batters.

What everyone seems to forget is that we ALL knew people were doing steroids and we didn't care because we got to see 50+ home run seasons from a variety of players across the league. So why all the hate for Barry?

Some feel that he sucks for charging for autographs. That does suck.

Some feel that he sucks for cheating on his wives and having mistresses all over the place. Yea, that's kind of crappy too.

Barry is not the best person, but he is a fantastic player. And that is what counts here. It seems that some white folks are okay with jackass white players as long as they created milestones.

Ty Cobb was a vicious racist.

Babe Ruth was a druggie and alcoholic that was rumored to have a violent side.

The Yawkey family (owners of the Red Sox for much of the last century) deliberately kept the team all-white even when it was clear that having black players might have improved the team.

But the Yawkeys are still revered in Boston and Ruth and Cobb are like baseball gods.
We all know that black males operate with a double-standard. You can be successful as long as you smile all the time and appear to be humble.

Don't grandstand.

Don't celebrate in the end-zone.

Don't do spinning dunks in mid-air.

Just do your damn job and keep the seats filled. Bonds does that in great numbers. People will pay for expensive seats just to be close enough to the field to yell at him. That's power.

But Barry doesn't eat humble pie. He has a bunch of white women on the side. He doesn't kiss ass. He doesn't play the games the media want him to play. And worse, he just broke one of the most hallowed records in sports history.

Just like Henry Aaron received death threats for breaking Ruth's record, Bonds is dealing with a character assassination through the media. He doesn't help matters by not being "Wil Smith" if you catch my drift.

In closing, I wonder if the same people who threatened Aaron are like the same guys who now "cherish" his record?

B.

JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT: IRAQ HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH 9/11

2007-08-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Yet people are still running around saying he did.

Are we this stupid as a country?

B.

REAL $H!T YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT

2007-08-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

While much of our country is obsessed with the celebrity crackwhore of the week, there is another incredibly huge problem facing everyone single person living within the borders of our country (legally or otherwise).

America is falling apart. Literally.

Actually the INFRASTRUCTURE of our society is slowing falling apart (sewers, power plants, roads, bridges, public works, etc.). I had heard about this recently but never did any real research because -- like most of us -- I had assumed that it wouldn't affect me.

That was, until I read this article:

http://www.alternet.org/columnists/story/44851/

FDR put America to work building courthouses and dams, planting windbreaks and arbors, creating music and plays--jewels that are still with us. Ike, a fiscal conservative, saw the need to launch the Interstate Highway System. Lyndon Johnson fought for crucial investments in hospitals, schools, water systems, and parks.
From the early 1950s into the 1970s, total public spending on America's physical plant (including money put up by local, state, and federal agencies) amounted to about 3% of our Gross Domestic Product. In the 1980s and 1990s, however, this investment in the public good fell victim to posturing budget whackers and dropped well below 2% of our GDP--a cut of more than a one third.

Then as if that wasn't enough:

Road and bridge conditions all across the country aren't just a mess--they're deadly. ASCE reports that bad and congested roads are a hidden tax that runs us $54 billion a year in car/truck repairs and excess operating costs, forces us to spend an average of 47 hours a year stuck in traffic (burning 2.3 billion gallons of gasoline in our idling vehicles), and--worst of all-- causes some 13,000 highway deaths each year. Bridges, too, are a threat; ASCE finds that 27% of America's spans are now structurally deficient or functionally obsolete, requiring $9.4 billion every year for the next 20 years to repair the deficiencies.

The bursting of even a small dam can be a disaster. We regularly drive over dams, but we can't see the internal structures, so we don't give dam safety any thought-- until a dam fails. Then the TV has saturation coverage of the issue-- but soon it disappears again. Since 1998, the number of unsafe dams in the U.S. has risen by a third to more than 3,500, with the number of "high-hazard" dams up by 1,000. The American Society of Civil Engineers (ASCE) reports that $10.1 billion is needed over the next 12 years just to fix dams that are in such critical shape they pose a direct risk to human life.

So in other words, we are in deep poop the next time something major happens, like... I dunno... a thunderstorm.

Bush & Co. refuse to spend the money on rebuilding our national superstructure for the upcoming population boom as well as to just maintain it for the 300 million currently living in the U.S.

Imagine if all that stuff failed at once?

The toilet flushes but fills with the backlog of waste from the broken sewer lines.

You run out side, and the sidewalk cracks in half because of overuse.

You look for police, but you can't see because the street lights went out.

You try to get out of town but the one bridge that takes you to a major highway has fallen into the river.

Living in NYC, the idea of any of these things happening on a major level is terrifying to say the least. Even those living in small town America needs running water and power. Maybe we should all start getting serious as a society and call our representatives.

Go ahead, I wait for you to finish watching American Idol.

B.

DATING IN NYC: THE MINEFIELD OF LUNACY

2007-07-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, I am reminded why I never, ever, ever want to find myself in the dating world in NYC. Between my clueless and single male friends, and my ridiculously annoying and self-destructive female friends, I get to hear and see some of the most atrocious behavior imaginable in terms of dating without getting my hands dirty.

From time to time, I am asked to give some advice to my male friends on who and what to avoid. One of my friends desperately needs this advice because he hasn't had sex since the late 90s (no, I am not kidding).

Much of what I am going to say comes from my own horrible experiences with women from a few years back that I sometimes have nightmares about. Fellas, this is what you need to look out for when on a date and then avoid like the proverbial plague.

INSANE TYPES OF WOMEN IN NYC DATING:

1) THE NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME CHICKS: Women who have recently gotten out of a bad marriage/relationship/booty call arrangement and critically over-analyze every thing you do with her. The problem is that it backfires almost immediately because a decent guy (or an @$$hole too) will quickly become frustrated with her endless circular reasoning and double-questioning of his intent and so on.

These women are usually recognized by their constant asking if she is "doing the right thing" or remarking repeatedly "I haven't dated in a long time... blah blah blah." She doesn't understand that the absolute best thing she could do is shut the hell up and listen and trust her gut when meeting a new man.

2) THE REGRETTERS: These are women who had very colorful, exciting but ultimately self-nullifying sexual experiences in the past and regret it deeply on some layered subconscious level. So, whenever they meet a "decent" man who is "worth it" they pull back on physical contact almost to the point of being celibate. In their twisted reasoning, making this new guy wait for sex will somehow atone for the reckless sexual abandon of her past.

What she DOESN'T get is that she has created a kind of sexual marathon now for this new guy. He is no longer interested in her, but he will wait it out until he can sex her, and then its all over. And the cycle begins again. Yea, it sucks that there is such a double-standard for men and women in regards to casual sex. But you ask any self-respecting father what kind of daughter he wants?

Just because we see Lindsay Blohan, Whore Hilton, and Titney Spears acting like stone cold sluts doesn't make it cool. The lesson here is that women should always be careful of whom they sleep with. Giving it away just to fit in is so 90s.

3) THE DO-NOTHINGS: This is my most despised subset of insane NYC women. These are the ladies who have profiles online suggesting that any man who responds to them must have: a good job, an education, a car, live alone, no kids, etc.

However, upon closer inspection of their profiles you will notice that other than their looks, they don't bring anything else to the table. THEY aren't educated. THEY have no career whatsoever or have stupid drone jobs like "medical billing assistant" (WTF is medical billing? Don't they have insurance companies and computers for that sort of thing? I also don't understand the point of Human Resources...anyway).

These women usually live in the worst neighborhoods in the city, or have bizarre housing/roommate situations that will perplex the hell outta you. They also have kids. Very bad kids. And they don't like any kind of advice on how to handle their bastard children (like talking their the kid's teachers, checking his homework, turning off the cable box and videogames).

Avoid these women like a diseased, drunk child molester at a Catholic summer camp.

4) EMO GIRLS: I think this says it all...

B.

NEW SHADOWLAW AD

2007-07-24T10:21:00.001-07:00

This is the newest as for my long delayed comic book series called SHADOWLAW.

It is the story of a disgraced soldier who ends up in a concentration camp that turns out to be a feeding center for a race of powerful vampires.

My incredible artist, Scott Kester, added in a giant robot/mecha element (that I had always explained to potential artists but none of them could pull it off) and we have created something that I describe as a cross between VAMPIRE HUNTER D and MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM.

Check out the "raw" image as well...

B.

REBUILD OF EVANGELION TRAILER

2007-07-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

The REBUILD OF EVANGELION is a 4-movie series that will "retell" the Evangelion series again, but without all the pseudo-paranormal-sexual-psychological posturing. All that aside, it is simply one of the greatest anime series of all time.

This trailer just premiered in Japan and is set for a September 1st release. This of course means that I will go down to Chinatown in NYC and have it on September 3rd. It looks amazing for a redux.

For more info on the series, check out this FAQ SITE.

Have fun,

B.

Some people need to burn in HELL.

2007-06-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

Hey gang... I know its been a while since my last post... but I have been ridiculously busy with my comic series SHADOWLAW and teaching and a bunch of other things called life issues.

I missed the Don Imus thing and I had a lot to say about that, but I will come back to that another time.

I also didn't post my pics from the East Coast Black Age of Comics Convention in Philly. I did a workshop about writing and so on. That will also come later.

Right now I am a little pissed off about the whole Paris Hilton thing. People are defending her like this b--ch is Mother Theresa or something.

Let me break it down this way -- how many innocent lives are destroyed each year by people driving while under the influence of alcohol?

How many innocent lives are destroyed each year by people driving while under the influence of drugs?

Now, how many of those people who were driving while drunk and killed people have been given many chances to do the same thing repeatedly?

Granted, Paris Hilton didn't kill anyone (yet) with her drunk and druggie antics. But do you believe that I or you or anyone you know would have been given repeated slaps on the wrist for driving drunk?

This isn't about just her "violation" of legal probationary protocol, this is more about the fact that people like her run around truly believing that the law does not apply to them because of their wealth. She is a symbol of everything that is wrong about America's obsession with money and status.

She brings nothing humane or intelligent to the world despite her resources and fame. If anything, she shows the world that rich, dumb, spoiled blonde girls are worshipped by American culture.

Her going to jail shows many people, including those dense enough to defend her antics, that eventually, the law will get you. Especially when YOU DO THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN without remorse or common sense.

Hilton, Spears, and Lohan have all been seen repeatedly under the influence of drugs and alcohol in public, and somewhere along the line, someone thought that was cool.

Guess what, its not cool. I miss the days when stars/celebs acted like they had class. Even though Hollywood has long been rife with scandals, I doubt you would have ever seen a picture of Audrey Hepburn's private parts as she got out of a car, or pics of Betty Davis snorting coke in a bathroom stall.

Not to say these people didn't do this stuff, but Jesus, have some dignity.

Paris deserves jail for many reasons in my opinion, but for more than anything, she broke the law (a clear set of laws regarding drugs and driving) on more than one occassion despite being given repeated chances to NOT DO IT AGAIN.

I am sorry, I have no patience or sympathy for a billionaire princess who has had every chance become an intelligent and focused member of society but chooses to be a peice of unrepentant garbage.

She had the unmitigated gall to shout "This isn't fair!" as she was being led back to jail.

Try asking American workers in small towns whether or not it was fair to have their jobs move to 3rd world countries because the CEOs wanted to improve their profit margins.

Try asking children being sold into sexual slavery worldwide whether or not it was fair to have their bodies and spirits destroyed by a system of greed and lust out of their control.

Try asking a hard-working kid in the inner-city who never broke a single law in their lives was it fair to get shot because their families couldn't afford to live in an area that wasn't gang infested.

Try asking school teachers who get paid next to nothing whether or not its fair to try to educate American kids with meager resources and a government whose priorities focus on test taking rather than wholistic learning and life skills?

See?

There are things much more important than this inhuman little spoiled piece of filth whose law-breaking ways have finally caught up with her.

I am pissed at myself for even wasting time writing about her.

B.

Check out AfroNerd Radio

2007-04-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

I just found a really cool blog online called AfroNerd Radio.

Here is their official description:

"Welcome to Afronerd! A new and needed web sanctuary for people of color with intellectual and artistic pursuits. In this blog we will be addressing interesting and varied subjects, i.e. current national/world affairs, culture, science, religion, politics, entertainment and literature(including graphic novels a/k/a comic books.....yes comics)."

This just was too much for me to ignore, so I contacted them, and within a few hours, I found myself being interviewed on AfroNerd Radio live show.

We talked about the State of Black Men in 2007. Great conversation. The brothas are moderate conservatives, a little further to the political right than myself, but I adore good conversations, so I had a total blast. It has been far too long since I had a good intellectual debate, and I look forward to chatting with those brothas again really soon.

Listen to them here:

AFRONERD RADIO -- I am on the April 1st show.

Pass the word, lets get this to be a big podcast!

B

The Day The Captain Died...

2007-03-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

There are many things I can say about the apparent death of Captain America. For one thing, I might be the world's biggest Captain America fan who is a black man. Not to say that the brothas don't or can't like Cap, but the image and idea of Cap isn't usually associated with black men. (note: I do love the fact that they did the Tuskegee Experiment version of the super soldier serum story called THE TRUTH a few years back.)

Anyway, all day today (March 7th, 2007) I have been deluged by friends, associates, fellow comics fans, and random strangers on the NYC subway who feel that it is necessary to explain to me how they heard of Cap's death on the radio just because they see me reading the damn issue.

I am all for spreading the word of how great the comic book medium is; but sometimes our fascination with the random sputterings from our media-saturated, commercialized lives annoys me.

90% of the folks who talked about Cap's death are just the kind of people who get upset over whomever the hell Flavor Flav sleeps with or folks who really, REALLY cares who wins on American Idol (and if you can't tell by my sardonic tone -- I HATE REALITY TV). If it wasn't Cap's death they prattled about, it would have been Anna Nicole's burial.

Also (and these are the people who really get me pissed) the internet comic book message boards have been lit up by fans who take comic books entirely too seriously. I love comics and can geek out with the best of them, but there comes a point where I am painfully aware that this is yet another one of those perfectly calculated marketing stunts that garners just the right amount of financial return and possible growth from said media saturation.

First off, CAPTAIN AMERICA IS NOT DEAD!

Sure, he might not be around for a little while, but the Steve Rogers character and the Captain America license is simply too lucrative to permanently shelve. Considering the fact that there is a Captain America feature film in early development in Hollywood, I can see Cap making a ceremonious return in the summer of 2009 right in time for a July 4th film release.

Second, Captain America has been nicely positioned as a cypher for all kinds of beliefs. For example, there are extreme right-wing types who buy the comic book who believe that Cap is standing up for their rights to believe that gays, blacks, and jews deserve to burn in hell just because.

And then you have the centrist-lefty folks like me who believe that Cap's role in the Civil War storyline was a thiny-veiled strike against the Bush administation trampling on the Constitution.

And you know what? We are both right.

That's what makes Cap so different and strongly resonant with many fans than other heroes. Spidey, Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, X-Men, and even the Hulk don't fall within that schism. They are ideological extremes that are popular because they are so. The Hulk is an unstoppable machine of destruction. Spidey is the loveable loser who never stops fighting the against the odds.

Captain America is someone who is supposed to represent what we COULD be. Strong, resolute, intelligent, understanding of what the Constitution actually means, aware of history, politically tolerant, and willing to defend the rights of people who can't defend themselves.

Of course, that is a far cry from what many Americans have become: weak, wishy-washy, non-committal to a set of beliefs, ignorant of history and our place in it, casually intolerant, addicted to electronic media/gadgets, and unaware of suffering that doesn't immediately impact our lives.

However, when I was in Midtown Comics in Times Square, it was a virtual mob scene. I hadn't seen a comic book store this packed since the Death of Superman back in the day. All kinds of people were in there -- and honestly, many believe that they are going to "cash in" on the death craze in the short term -- but I saw the faces of some fans who appeared to be bothered by the death of their favorite hero.

I won't make a cynical remark to that. Our society is tailor made to trash naive idealism.

So on a brighter note, its certainly been a fun ride Mr. Steve Rogers. Thanks to the work of Joe Simon/Jack Kirby (creators of Cap), Mark Gruenwald (the definitive Cap writer from the 1980s), Mark Waid (wrote some killer stories a few years back), and the current writer Ed Brubaker; I have a ton of Cap comics to keep me entertained until your inevitable return.

Au Revoir Mon Capitane...

New York City Comic Con, PART TWO

2007-02-26T17:49:00.000-08:00

Friday night was suprisingly busy for the show. I have been to many conventions over the years and usually the first day tends to be slow for various reasons. But Friday had a nice, steady flow of people who seemed genuinely interested in checking out new material.

I had a few people who came up to me while I was at the UVC Magazine booth that were very open to listening to my endless pitching of my series and would buy the preview copies. As someone who has been out of the biz since 2003, could not get anyone to take me seriously from 2004-2006, and went through five different artists to get this project done, every single issue I sold provided a deep kind of validation that is difficult to explain.

I will not in any way delude myself into thinking that I have "made it." However, I am certainly much further along than I was 2 years ago, and back on the road to legitimacy that was sidetracked by the end of my Dreamwave debacle.

Saturday is sometimes known as "hell day" in the industry. Even though it is the day when you will most likely make the most money and have the most exposure to fans, the sheer wall of humanity can be overwhelming and stifling if you don't know how to deal.

As much as I love dealing with fans and professionals, there are always those who desperately need to realize that filth and comic book fandom are not synonymous.

Now, onto the fun stuff:

THIS IS WHY I love cons. The only place in the universe that you will see two people of color dressed as Jedi or Sith Lords fighting each other with plastic lightsabers in the middle of a massive hall.

I only wish that I had captured this as a video file because these two dudes were really going at it like Darth Maul vs. Obi Wan at the end of the Phantom Menace. Except that this black dude wasn't as agile or fast or strong as Obi Wan.
Even so, it was a sight to behold.

Here is where things got a little bit interesting. Pay close attention to this pic. As the two members of the NAACP chapter of the Star Wars expanded universe go head-to-head, there is a lonely white Jedi in a Mets cap who has no idea how to ignite his lightsaber. No, I am not making a racial joke.

I swear, when I took this pic, I don't remember this guy being there. But I can see why he was so forgettable. I sometimes wonder what a person's backstory might be. For some reason, I conclude that this man has had an awful morning. He left his Jedi outfit home, his friends didn't want to be seen with him without the costume, and to top it off, the knockoff lightsaber he bought in Chinatown doesn't work.

Sucks for him.

This is me -- the big guy -- and LeSean Thomas. I worked with LeSean on the series Arkanium with Dreamwave Productions back in the day. I broke into the industry with this cat, and even though we hadn't hung out in almost 3 years, it was like old times.

Currently, LeSean is the lead animator and a director on Aaron MacGruder's hit series The Boondocks. He also had a series called Cannon Busters out that will return in the form of a graphic novel sometime this year. He has come a long way in the biz in a relatively short time. Despite minor disagreements over the years, I have learned a great deal about animation and comic book storytelling from him and greatly respect his opinion.

Cool costumes. People really like Star Wars. I mean, really, really like Star Wars. I don't even know the name of the character in the black robe. I know it is from the videogame called KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC II.

People really like Star Wars.

For example:

There is a part of me that finds this young lady very attractive. Only because I had a bizarre fixation upon Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) in my pre-pubescent years. The saddest thing here is that she is a cutie whose sexually inadequate boyfriend forced her to come out to the show. Despite endless sexual frustration, she supports her boyfriend and his bank account draining hobbies.

The only reason she stays in the relationship is because her parents are relieved that she isn't a lesbian and she stands to inherit a lot of cash when her dad drops out of the scene. Provided she is married to an "upstanding" individual.

The part that boggles my mind is which one is her man? Is it the Burger King Stormtrooper or the overweight rebel pilot?

Dope ass costume! Too bad its from an overrated anime series called The Guyver that stopped being cool in 1993.

This little bastard ran up on me at the DARKNESS booth. For a second, I was about to swing on this %##@$% until I figured out that it was probably a kid or short teenaged girl in the suit. For a comic book convention, these little guys (there were two) were very aggressive in running up to people and jumping into your face.

I noticed later that they were much more subdued. Maybe they pissed off the black Jedi master from before.

I have one more set of pictures I will upload in the next day or so.

Until then,
PEACE
B

New York City Comic Con, PART ONE

2007-02-25T13:34:00.000-08:00

Damn I can't believe it's almost March and I haven't taken the time to post on this blog. Most often, I don't have that much to say, and other times I simply have been too busy.

Busy with work and my comic book series ShadowLaw. If you don't know what that is, click on that link.

Done?

I just got back from the NYC Comic Con -- a convention tends to be the place where the comic book, video game, genre novel, and genre film industries come together to show what they have to sell within the coming weeks, months, and years. Its a great place to network, make new friends (although I have never really made a new friend at a convention), and get about 20 pounds of free swag in the form of books, posters, dvds, games, and toys.

This was the 2nd annual NYC Comic Con and it seemed to be a success. I have some gripes with how the convention was organized in terms of their security and use of space, but overall it was a good show that was a long time coming. NYC has been totally ignored as a place to hold sci-fi, fantasy, comic book, or any kind of convention that deals with cool stuff. I guess the outrageous fees AND TAXES for renting convention space can easily put off organizers.

In any case, I had a blast. Take a look at a few pics:

This obviously was the entrance.

This was just a tiny portion of the floor. See those blue banners hanging high in the background? Those are aisle markers, you only see aisles 1 - 5, they had about 10 aisles, an entire section underground for all the panels, and an upper level for the artist alley and celebrity signings. The Jacob Javitz center is a damn large spot.

This was the booth for the brand new UVC Magazine -- Urban Voice in Comics. I have heard it described as "Vibe" meets "Wizard Mag." At long last, there is a magazine specifically devoted to chronicling the exploits and achievements of Black and Latino comics creators considering the fact that just about every other bit of comics-based journalism completely ignores us (Comics Journal, Comics Buyers Guide, and of course, Wizard Magazine).

Creator and Publisher Ron King (the black guy in the pic), hands down one of the nicest people I have ever met in comics, has a winner on his hands and judging by the massive support and interest the book recieved, UVC looks to have a fantastic future.

And if you weren't there on Saturday, the UVC booth had a live DJ spinning the best in old school hip-hop, soul, and R&B. These guys knew how to throw a party.

I went to the Con to promote my series ShadowLaw and to talk to the guys who publish the book at Arcana Studios. The Arcana booth was awesome, except that the entire group of 10-12 creators showed up at the Con and most of us were at least 6 feet tall.

Big dudes + small space = bad idea.

I spent the majority of the show at the UVC booth connecting with people and handing out flyers. I even sold a good portion of my preview copies!

I have much more to share, but I will continue in part 2 when I finish loading up all my pictures.

B

Ding Dong the Yanks are Dead...

2006-10-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

This was just a beautiful day.

The bane of my baseball life is now eliminated from the American League Division Series. Yes, I am talking about the NY Yankees (also known as the Motherpuggin' Yankees everywhere else in the country).

Last night, the Detroit Tigers defeated them 3 games to 1 in the ALDS, sending the Yankee hellspawn back to the Bronx with a $1.2 billion dollar receipt over the last 6 years and no World Series championship to show for it. It goes to show that you cannot throw money at the wall and expect a world championship to grow out of the dirt just because you collect all the good players from across the league and around the world.

The Yankees line-up reminds me of that kid in the neighborhood who SOMEHOW got all the good baseball cards while you were stuck with the 13 copies of some Red Sox guy who only lasted 2 innings back in 1982. This kid would have whole team sets and rookie cards of dudes who became genuine superstars. This kid would stick his cards in your face and demand that you trade him the few good cards you managed to find over the last 6 months AND some cash OR some really hot G.I. JOE or Transformers figure. All so you could get that rare Bucky Dent or Reggie Jackson or Jim Palmer card you needed so badly.

That kid grew up to be George Steinbrenner.

Other than the fact that Steinbrenner was a close friend and contributor of Richard Nixon's, there are lots of good reasons to hate that man and his misbegotten baseball franchise:

1) You can't buy a championship. Baseball, like life, is very unpredictable. Tiger's manager Jim Leyland said it best, "Sometimes you never know what is going to happen. Sometimes, you can get a couple of friends together, and a few more people show up, and you wind up having the biggest party of the year. And sometimes, you can plan a party for two months, and then no one shows up."

Steinbrenner hasn't learned that there is one constant factor that creeps in that no sabermetrics, no expensive payroll, and no amount of double-dealing can duplicate: Heart. The Yankee teams that won the World Series between 1996-2000 had heart and money. And there ain't much that's going to stop heart and money working in sync. Unless you count the 1996 ALCS and that bastard punk Jeffrey Maier and that infamous call that kept my beloved Baltimore Orioles out of the World Series. Speaking of...

2) The 1996 ALCS -- Baltimore Orioles vs. NY Yankees. I love my Baltimore Orioles like no other sports team. I have been an Orioles fan since 1979 and was there for their 1983 World Series win. I have followed them through their highs and lows and back again and will never stop loving them. So of course, when they put together that awesome squad back in 1996 that included Robbie Alomar, Brady Anderson, Cal Ripken Jr., etc, I was certain that they were going to go all the way. Until that awful night when that bastard punk destroyed everything.

Before I continue, you can see it here for yourself: ORIOLES GET SCREWED BY A BASTARD PUNK.

Bottom of the 8th inning, Orioles leading 4-3, Armando Benitez pitching to Derek Jeter. Benitez deals and Jeter hits it to the right field wall. Orioles outfielder Tony Tarasco drifts back to the wall and raises his glove to catch the ball, only to have another glove block the ball and deflect it into the stands. The umpire rules it as a HOME RUN despite the CLEAR EVIDENCE that a fan had reached into THE FIELD OF PLAY.

I am not a baseball genius, but I do vaguely remember that if a fan reaches into the field of play during a baseball game, then either the play is invalidated or ruled an out depending on the circumstances. At the very least Jeter should have been made to redo the pitch with the original pitch count restored.

That didn't happen. Why? Because the Yanks get away with too much.

3) Bizarre umpiring calls. Anyone who has ever watched a baseball season revolving around the American League East will tell you that the Yankees get away with entirely too much. You will see umpires continually call opposing pitches well inside of the strike zone as balls, and if a Yankee pitcher throws the ball into the dirt 20 inches off the home plate, that somehow becomes a strike.

There was this one time a few years back when the Yanks were playing the Red Sox, and a Yankee infielder completely MISSED the guy he was supposed to tag by about 5 feet and this was called an out. The thousands in attendance, the millions watching the TV, the players, coaches, and just about every sports reporter in America saw this except for the umpire standing no more than 10 feet away from the incident.

That's just one of many, many times the Yanks have gotten extremely questionable calls in their favor. Which, in itself, isn't the worst thing in the world if it didn't happen all the time and during crucial moments like, say... the 1996 ALCS vs. the Baltimore Orioles.

4) ESPN and the bandwagon fans. That's actually redundant. There is nothing more sickening than watching those "broadcasters" at ESPN kiss the Yankees' asses year after year. They behave as if it is impossible for the Yankees to lose. If Baseball Tonight is on for an hour, expect about 22 minutes of Yankees and Red Sox footage before you hear about other teams and scores. And if the Yankees lose, they never say the OTHER TEAM was better, they make remarks like, "Boy, the Yankees definitely let this one slip away."

WTF??!?!?!

They didn't LET IT slip away, they lost to a better team that night. Remember... baseball? Life? Unpredictable.

Then, compounding the sociopathic syncophantic urges of ESPN's biased journalism are the endless throngs of people running around wearing Yankees hats, jackets, glasses, sneakers, backpacks, wristwatches, gloves, scarves, and wristbands. These people make me sick. Not because they are Yankee fans, but because they have become Yankee fans only in the last ten years.

You see, whenever any team in any sport wins a world title, the next year, you see a conspicuous rise in the amount of jerseys, hats, jackets, etc. bearing that team's logo. It happened with the White Sox and the Miami Heat last year, and it will happen again over the next few months. With the Yankees, they won the World Series from 1996-2000, each year, gaining a massive number of new fans who previously didn't watch sports, or were too busy following another winning franchise.

Now, all of a sudden, Yankees fans are all over the place. People who knew NOTHING about the Yankees before 1996, and know nothing about baseball except for the Yankees. Sitting around these people at live games is the most excrutiating thing you can imagine next to having to clean up behind Britney Spears and her kids.

People say to me, "What about the kids who grew up here? How can you be angry at them?" First off, who cares what kids think? They're KIDS! America is the only country in the world where kids have rights. In most of the world, kids don't go to school, have to pray they ain't gonna be sold off or stolen into sex slavery, have to dodge bullets in war-torn nations, school teachers are encouraged to beat them senseless, and have next to no options. Here, kids have fast food meals named in their honor as well as entire days at ballparks dedicated to them.

Kids have no real excuse to be Yankees fans after a certain age. Let's say 12. At 13, they should have the good sense to support a team that usually tries hard but doesn't always win. The Mets, Cubs, Orioles, Reds, Angels, Athletics, Giants, Marlins, Indians, Twins, Bewers, Diamondbacks, Mariners... and the list goes on and on.

Yankees fans are also silly. They behave like gorillas except without the manners. I have been to Yankee games and have seen fans turn on each other, the players, and the coaches all in the same breath. They boo the most expensive player in history (A-Rod) because he doesn't always come through in tight situations or makes errors at 3rd base a lot.

Guess what, A-Rod isn't a third baseman, he is a SHORTSTOP. But because the Yankees have an overrated, whiny, pretty boy at shortstop already, it goes to show that Steinbrenner made yet another dumb mistake. A-Rod puts up amazing numbers year after year. But because Derek Jeter whines and complains, A-Rod is put into a position that he isn't suited for. And god forbid someone makes Jeter upset.

Supporting the Yankees is like supporting the rich kids in those 1980's college movies. They were always blonde, racist, jerky, mean, and snotty. They were always played by that blonde bad guy from the Karate Kid. And the loveable band of losers somehow finds a way to beat them at their own game at the last minute. Oh wait, that did happen in real life. It was called the 2004 ALCS vs. the Red Sox.

5) Back to money issues. Steinbrenner has destroyed the free agent market. Almost every star player and his agent knows that they can use other MLB franchises to leverage or set the market cost too high while the Yankees will come along and pay $10 million more than the highest offered contract. It's happened repeatedly over the last 7 years. And if they don't wind up signing with the Yankees, they end up on a team that just spent too damn much for one man. (I.E. Hard throwing left-handed closer B.J. Ryan to the Toronto Blue Jays. $40 million for a closing pitcher? You gotta be kidding me.)

Then when you look at who he has on the team: Jeter, Giambi, Sheffield, A-Rod, Posada, Johnson, Mussina, Abreu, Matsui, Cano, Williams, and Melky; it somehow become much less fair to the rest of baseball. Even when teams have to re-adjust to being in a reduced market with less talent available, whomever they develop get signed away to the Yankees, committing that team to spend another 3-5 years working their way out of the cellar.

For the Yankees not to win over the last 6 years proves that having all the money in the world doesn't buy you happiness. Just ask George Steinbrenner, he is out $1.2 billion with nothing but a bunch of excuses and a compliant media sharing in his emptiness.

My Friends are Jerks...

2006-10-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

There is one thing I have learned about our society, and that is some people take themselves too damn seriously. I got some funny responses to my blog and then I also got some truly ridiculous responses. I was even accused of having "animus" towards women.

Even though I do know what that word means, it sounds like something Harry Potter would say in a magic spell. It doesn't belong in a critique of a silly blog called the "Fool's Crusade." Its some strange folk out there. I will post these responses next week because you wouldn't even believe how silly they were.

Anyways, I find myself missing my friends quite a bit. They are all spread out over the country and I don't make new friends easily. Mainly because I am surrounded by people who have no personality and cover that up with endless conversations about their bland children, or folks who talk about Jesus all the time, or folks who find ways to further segregate themselves away from the rest of society (black fraternity/sorority members, cops, military, and fake intellectuals).

So the pickings are slim for a dude who likes talking about politics, video games, breakfast cereals, and old TV theme songs. I believed I was alone in the world for many, many years, because even the dudes I grew up with were a bit too preoccupied with sports and fake gangsta life for me to share all my interests with.

I didn't really connect with other folks who shared my interests until I moved to Boston after undergrad. I will go on record to say that there are some great people in Boston, but the majority of the population are people who hate anything that isn't white. Even the black Bostonians hate everything non-white. Its the racial Twilight Zone of America. More on that in a future blog.

Anyways, while working at a Japanese animation spot and a comic book store while in grad school, I met a bunch of guys who are the coolest people I have ever known. Sure, most people would call them unrepentant geeks, but damn, if I would start singing the theme song to "One Day at a Time" those bastards would chime right in with me.

That's a damn rare thing.

I won't give you their real names, but I will start with a short rundown of their personalities and quirks --

BDB = Asian guy who loves Boston almost as much as I love Baltimore. Has a problem understanding how much Boston sucks as a city in terms of personality. BDB stands for Back Down Buddy, in the sense that he is that friend who pulls out of major plans at the last minute because he is afraid of his parents. Mind you, he is in his late 20s. Needs to get laid in this century.

August = Funny, white, yuppie guy like those dudes from the movie WALL STREET. Loves money. Talks about his conquests with women ad nauseum. Some of these stories are fabricated. I call him "august" because his best woman stories seem to happen in the month of August.

NoBankAccount = Good Salvadoran guy who has no bank account despite being in his mid-20s and this causes him lots of trouble whenever he needs to cash his paycheck. Spends about 60% of his income on video games and the like. Because of some issues growing up, NBA didn't learn the basics about how to conduct personal financial business. Things that should come to people immediately take about 3 months for NBA to process. While it doesn't really affect me in my personal life, it gets hard to make plans with a guy who may or may not have the money whenever you want to go out and have fun. Desperately needs to get laid on a regular basis.

Leech = I couldn't make up a name for this guy because that's his nickname. He got it because he never had any money, hung out at a comic book store for years living off the kindness of the employees. Great dude, but has a very unhealthy desire for young girls. I have tried to ween him off of this fetish, but I figure he will stop when he ends up in prison for statuatory rape sharing a cell with a guy who hates child molesters. Some people have to learn the hard way -- no pun intended.

JailHouseMike = One of the guys I grew up with. Love him like a brother. Problem is, he seems to have lost the ability to experience joy in his life. He was always a dour kind of guy, but if it doesn't relate to sports or disfunctional women, he ain't really interested. Recently, I became the potential godfather for his new son. This has changed a lot in his life, although he still doesn't get excited about much.

MovieUsher = Another guy I grew up with. He is probrably the closest of all of them to having my exact same personality. And for that reason, we have been at odds for quite a long time. MovieUsher is intelligent, funny, and hard working. But what separates us was my educational ambitions vs. his desire to have fun when graduating from high school. I went straight into undergrad, he spent that summer having sex with a girl everyone warned him about. So of course, she gets pregnant, and to this date, he hasn't earned a college degree. I only bring that up because he talked about it being a personal goal 15 years ago. We are all in our early 30s.

The Dreamer = I met this dude at Ithaca College. He is like a much more idealistic, bright-eyed, and naive version of myself. He is a very talented writer and he has the exact same taste in women as I do. Problem is, there was a point in time when I stopped being naive and idealistic and started to practice a cautious optimism that has served me very well in the last decade. The Dreamer still hasn't developed that necessary survival skill. So he jumps headlong into things under the umbrella of being "romantic" but careful examination reveals an overall laziness at attacking a situation from the most logical point of reference. Moved out to Arizona on a whim. Still out there comprising 25% of the black population of that state.

I do have quite a few women friends whom I haven't dated or slept with. But they usually get insecure boyfriends who have issues with them having a male friend so I don't push the issue too much and I hear from them about every 6-8 months when they break up with those losers.

But for all their quirks and percieved lunacies, I really love these people. Sadly, we are all over the country, so whenever I get to hang out with them, its an event and we try to bring the house down wherever we go. Problem is, the roof usually ends up on our collective heads.

Here we go...

2006-10-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin with this stuff. The basics... my name is Brandon Easton... born and raised in the greatest American city on Earth: BALTIMORE, MARYLAND. Went to Ithaca College, Boston University, and Lehman College (one of the shittiest schools in the world) and I am now a teacher and professional writer living in the Bronx.

I have as many enemies as friends. I don't know why. I am a nice guy. But I don't like stupid people. And the world is overpopulated by underachievers, low-brows, and people whose depth of thinking include reality television and arguments about that dumb ass Flavor Flav show.

I love science-fiction and tend to believe that people who don't like science-fiction are idiots. Why? Because they are. That's all I have to say about that.

Let's see... what else?

I am damn tired of a lot of things.

I am tired of people being afraid of disciplining asshole teenagers, I am tired of people who use those annoying two-way radio cell phones (since when did everybody become a fucking paramedic or police officer?). I am tired of Republican neo-conservatives who pretend NOT to be bigoted, classist, sexist, materialistic, and war-mongering jerks who only care about their own empty, closeted, and shallow lives.

I am tired of men becoming metrosexuals or whatever the hell that means. It sounds entirely too gay. And on that note, I am tired of people accusing black men of being on the "down low" all the time. Black guys who might be secretly gay DIDN'T start this situation. Men have been gay for centuries. Thousands of years actually. Black guys didn't start it, didn't perpetuate it, and certainly aren't the only ones.

In fact, I have heard stories of white guys being on the "down low" for a long time *cough cough* BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN??? DUH! You think that was an isolated story? Think again. That "down low" crap has been around for a long, long time, and it wasn't Black men who perfected it. I know lots of black dudes, and if any of them are secretly gay, they are doing a fantastic job of hiding it. Either way, I ain't gay, so it doesn't really affect me after all.

And of course, I save my considerable wrath for the fairer sex. Yes, women, you have a lot to answer for. First off, why the hell have women become stupider than ever before? I don't mean that in the sexist way it sounds. I mean it in the sense that I grew up around intelligent women. I saw my mom, grandmothers, aunts, etc... not make incredibly stupid choices in their personal lives.

Why is this an issue with me?

Because women GIVE BIRTH TO OTHER HUMANS! And if that woman is an idiot or has sex with an idiot and gets pregnant, there is another idiot bastard walking around who makes life harder to live for everyone else.

First off, ladies, if you need to know how to avoid a man who is a bum, please follow this simple guide to AVOIDING MEN WHO WILL TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP:

1) If he doesn't have a job, leave him.
2) No matter how hot his body or face is, if he can't hold an intelligent conversation with you, leave him.
3) If he spends too much time working out or has been in prison, he probrably has sex with men, leave him.
4) If he has a lot of kids by a lot of different women, why are you giving him a chance to make you the next disgruntled chick? Leave him.
5) If he does drugs other than weed and alcohol, leave him.
6) If he seems needlessly violent, or gets upset quickly over nothing, leave him. Don't think he will change just because you sleep with him whenever he wants sex.
7) If he seems jealous of your success in life, leave him.
8) If he lives with his momma at the age of 30 or above, leave him.
9) If he is married, leave him.
10) If he is slightly overweight, has multiple college degrees, loves science-fiction, and is somewhat funny, give the guy a chance. You never know how good he might be in bed.

In any case, I probrably made a few more enemies. But hey, Bill Cosby was right!