Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I HATE IBMs (Ignorant Black Muthafu**as)

When I was a younger man and watched the following infamous Chris Rock stand-up performance clip called "Black People vs. Niggaz" I laughed my pants off but was somewhat embarrassed. I felt at the time that Chris Rock went a little too far in his condemnation of "lower class" black people.

I still feel now as I did then that white folks can't tell the difference between a normal everyday working educated black person and a black scumbag, but as I have gotten older, Chris Rock's message is ringing truer than ever before in my ears. So before I continue, take a look at Chris Rock's performance:



You can't deny that this is brilliant, funny stuff. It still makes me a little uncomfortable, but that is the mark of great art -- its supposed to make you think and reflect on the world.

In any case, I have grown weary of the kind of black folks that Chris Rock was trashing that clip. I have made a pact with myself never to call another black person a "nigga, nigger, etc." so I coin the phrase IBM -- which stands for Ignorant Black Muthafukka.

I find that this definition fits because they are ignorant (without knowledge of the world or self), they are black (sadly), and they are muthafukkas (just like Bernie Mac used to say -- 50 points to you if you catch that reference).

I hate IBMs with a PASSION. I hate them like Hitler hated Jews. I hate them like the Coyote hated the Roadrunner. I hate them like Itchy hates Scratchy. I think you get the point.

My hate stems from the fact that I grew up with working class and middle class blacks who went to good schools, never went to jail, read books, supported the arts, saw good movies, loved baseball, loved walks in the park with their dogs and lived the most wonderful and fulfilling lives you could imagine. Yet, now, almost everywhere I go, I no longer see those kinds of black people.

Its like some alien force swooped down and took 75% of all the normal black people away and left us with the lowest common demoninator. And I can't stand them. Lord, I really can't stand them.

IBMs are loud, obnoxious, illogical, immature and possess the largest sense of entitlement this side of Long Island (another 50 points if you get that reference). Let me give you an example:

I work at this ghetto ass mall called Baldwin Hills Crenshaw Shopping Center in Los Angeles. Its a side job I have at GameStop just to make ends meet while I work at the college and write my screenplays. Anyway, GameStop is one of the shittiest companies in the universe so never work there if you can help it.

GameStop has a policy where if you buy a used game you have approximately SEVEN DAYS to return it for a full refund. After that, we can't take it back unless its as a "trade-in" which is roughly 70% less than what was originally paid. This one IBM walked into the store and wanted to return an awful game. Usually, we have no problem doing returns as long as you are within the seven day span.

This IBM had the receipt and the date was 05/18/09. Today is 06/16/09. By all calculations, he was way out of the grace period. So instead of realizing he is wrong and walking out of the store, this IBM opens with a rant:

IBM: "Y'all didn't say nuffin' about that when I bought it."

Me: "On the top of the receipt is the name of the person who sold it to you. XXXXXX is the manager, I am sure he mentioned the return policy to you. If not, its right here on the receipt."

I showed him where the policy was CLEARLY printed on the receipt -- but he didn't seem like the type who likes printed words.

IBM: "Naw man, this is bullshit. Y'all didn't say nuffin' about this. This is bullshit man. Y'all be sellin' fucked up games and shit and then won't take them back."

Me: "How long did you have the game before you realized that it didn't work?"

IBM: "My son didn't play it for a month because he was punished."


Me: "There's nothing I can do man."

Then this IBM proceeds to curse and become borderline threatening but what he didn't bargain for was the fact that I don't back down easily and its very hard to intimidate me so he eventually left after promising to "only shop at white stores from now on."

Note to readers: most IBMs are big talkers. They are used to people becoming intimidated by their bluster and bullcrap and try to get their way. The best thing to do is to continue to stick to your guns and they will walk away cursing and talking crap but no harm will come to you. This may not always be the case, but most often you'll be fine.

Getting back to the issue at hand, I am so tired of IBMs because they make the entire black race look like a bunch of uncultured street trash that complain endlessly about racism and don't do anything to contribute to society. IBMs have nothing of worth to say mainly because their brains are filled with pointless hedonistic, inarticulate new school hip-hop songs by Lil' Wayne.

See that image? That's how a lot of white folks and recent immigrants see African-Americans. Think about that for a long moment. Think deeply about that. If you have half a brain, you should be alarmed and nausiated.

How do you recognize an IBM? Here's my guide:

A) IBMs will be wearing basketball jerseys and baseball caps that are color coordinated yet aren't fans of either team. IBMs make it hard for a black guy to be a fan of a baseball team because everybody will think you're wearing the hat to be cool.

B) IBMs dress like they're 15 years old even at the age of 50. There is nothing more obscene than seeing a grown ass black man with grey hair twisted up into cornrows. Its beyond atrocious.

C) IBMs never speak in complete sentences.

D) IBMs don't value educational achievement, this is why you will see an IBM buy their child $200 sneakers but don't own a set of encyclopedias in their home. Worse, the only reading materials in most IBM homes is a video game strategy guide or directions to a probation office.

E) IBMs love blaming everybody else if something doesn't go right - teachers, police, their parents, the mafia, Sony, Microsoft, NASA (wait, most IBMs don't know what NASA is) -- everybody but themselves. If their kids can't read or write, its the teacher's fault. If they get busted for selling crack to pregnant women, its the police's fault for arresting them.

F) IBMs never have a concept of a larger world. Your typical IBM won't leave their neighborhood for any reason. Ever. You won't meet an IBM if you go to the following places: Barnes & Noble, arthouse movie theatres, the planetarium (in fact, any museum whatsoever except for the travelling sneaker show), baseball games (except for Yankee Stadium) or your local library. IBMs don't like culture unless they see it on BET (which isn't even owned by black people anymore) or some godawful black TV show produced by Tyler Perry.

G) IBMs stand outside of their apartments or tenements or whatever for no reason in the middle of the day. I haven't stood outside of my house for more than 5 minutes since I was 15 years old. I usually have somewhere to go. Its called an agenda. I had a conversation about selling drugs just to make money for video games and sneakers. I always felt that if you are going to become a hustler, then hustle for a purpose like the Irish Mob and the Italian Mafia did and like the Armenians and the Mexicans are now. Make the money, launder it, rinse, repeat. IBMs stand on the corner all day to buy depreciating assets and never move up from that level. They advertise to undercover police where the action is whether they know it or not.

What makes IBMs particularly frustrating is that there are normal black people who defend them or -- worse -- idolize them as representing some kind of authentic "blackness." As if the ebb and flow of our community was tied to irresponsible morons with no sense of history or purpose. And this has caused unfathomable levels of suffering.

Single, intelligent, attractive and upwardly mobile black women love to date IBMs and then get treated like trash. These black women then go onto hate ALL black men as if we are all IBMs. Don't think so? Check your average internet dating site these days and you will find hundreds of black women only wanting to date white men and they have profiles that say things like "need a man with a job, who has a college degree and is on my level. White guys only."

I wish I could round up all the IBMs on earth and launch them into the sun. I'm serious. It would solve SO many problems.

Even Bill Cosby agrees with me and few years ago when he told the truth, people flipped out and made it seem like Bill was crazy or elitist. What Bill was saying was that black people need to get their shit together immediately or else we are going to swirl down the drain. Folks didn't want to hear the truth and made it sound like he was wrong.

I will leave you with what he said and let you reach you own conclusions. Take care.



Ladies and gentlemen, these people set, they opened the doors, they gave us the right, and today, ladies and gentlemen, in our cities and public schools we have fifty percent drop out. In our own neighborhood, we have men in prison. No longer is a person embarrassed because they’re pregnant without a husband. No longer is a boy considered an embarrassment if he tries to run away from being the father of the unmarried child."

"50 percent drop out rate, I’m telling you, and people in jail, and women having children by five, six different men. Under what excuse, I want somebody to love me, and as soon as you have it, you forget to parent. Grandmother, mother, and great grandmother in the same room, raising children, and the child knows nothing about love or respect of any one of the three of them. All this child knows is “gimme, gimme, gimme.” These people want to buy the friendship of a child….and the child couldn’t care less. Those of us sitting out here who have gone on to some college or whatever we’ve done, we still fear our parents. And these people are not parenting. They’re buying things for the kid. $500 sneakers, for what? They won’t buy or spend $250 on Hooked on Phonics."

"Now look, I’m telling you. It’s not what they’re doing to us. It’s what we’re not doing. 50 percent drop out. Look, we’re raising our own ingrown immigrants. These people are fighting hard to be ignorant. There’s no English being spoken, and they’re walking and they’re angry. Oh God, they’re angry and they have pistols and they shoot and they do stupid things. And after they kill somebody, they don’t have a plan. Just murder somebody. Boom. Over what? A pizza? And then run to the poor cousin’s house."